Friday, May 3, 2013
Taking a break!
I apologize to those reading along here.....for the past few days it just seems like I can't get my thoughts into words in the way that I want to express them. Taking a short break.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
17. Hurt, Hospitalized, Hopeful, & Healthy
Well I started the new job, my wife was home taking care of our new born son, our daughter had entered elementary school, Oyaji and Ba-chan were being their usual selves and life moved along.
One of the responsibilities of my job was assisting our elderly patients in and our of the bus or vans that we used to transport them back and forth from the hospital. One rainy day I had stopped to pick up one particular patient, with the nurse that was along to assist with the patients while I was driving, and this petite elderly woman who had to ride in a wheel chair, was waiting under the eaves of her house with her daughter waiting for me to come and pick her up.
Usually she would walk slowly to the bus, and with assistance, climb up the stairs and get into the bus for the ride. Yet due to the pouring rain she would have been soaked, even if we held umbrellas over her, the wind and rain were so bad that we decided it would be better for me to pick her up and carry her into the bus. I put my arms around her, she couldn't have weighed more than 80 or 90 pounds, lifted her up, turned to carry her into the bus and I felt something pull in my lower back. I had carried countless numbers of patients previously and never felt anything like that before. Yet I was able to carry her into the bus and continue my usual route, but my lower back was killing me.
I got back to the hospital and sat down at my desk, continued with my work just thinking that I had maybe strained a muscle. How wrong I was. Over the course of the next few days the pain got worse and my boss had mentioned to me that it seemed to him that I was leaning over to one side and walking at an angle, he told me to go and see the doctor for a checkup.
Long story short, I was admitted to one of the other hospitals that I worked at. I had seriously wrenched my back and they found after an MRI exam that I had a hernia. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks, went back to work feeling pretty good. But that was just the start.
For a couple of years I had repeated problems with my back that just kept on coming up and ended up when our son turned 3 or so, back into the hospital needing major back surgery. I was hospitalized for over 3 months and out of work for 6 months. I had fusion surgery on my spine and 6 bolts inserted into my spine to assist in holding the spine in place while the bone grafts that were taken from my hip fused. I still have the bolts and rods to this day. I lost a ton of weight too, I had dropped down to about 180 pounds and looked like death warmed over. The surgery itself lasted over 8 hours and I ended up needing 4 pints of blood, during the surgery. I also ended up with a severely pinched nerve in my left leg that took longer to heal than my back. I couldn't feel anything for months in the front half of my left upper leg. You could put an ice cube on my leg and I never knew it was there.
Fortunately my health insurance covered nearly all of the costs and because it was a work related injury I received workmen s compensation which helped to cover the bills of the hospital and at home.
The healing process took quite a while, but eventually I got back to work, and nearly 8 years later I had to go back into the hospital to have the bolts and rods taken out because they ended up fracturing bones in my spinal column. I am fine today, and have no complaints but am ever wary of having any problems with my back.
I also realized that being healthy is something I pretty much always took for granted yet after this experience showed that I had to be grateful for the doctors, nurses, and hospitals for all their assistance and help.
One of the responsibilities of my job was assisting our elderly patients in and our of the bus or vans that we used to transport them back and forth from the hospital. One rainy day I had stopped to pick up one particular patient, with the nurse that was along to assist with the patients while I was driving, and this petite elderly woman who had to ride in a wheel chair, was waiting under the eaves of her house with her daughter waiting for me to come and pick her up.
Usually she would walk slowly to the bus, and with assistance, climb up the stairs and get into the bus for the ride. Yet due to the pouring rain she would have been soaked, even if we held umbrellas over her, the wind and rain were so bad that we decided it would be better for me to pick her up and carry her into the bus. I put my arms around her, she couldn't have weighed more than 80 or 90 pounds, lifted her up, turned to carry her into the bus and I felt something pull in my lower back. I had carried countless numbers of patients previously and never felt anything like that before. Yet I was able to carry her into the bus and continue my usual route, but my lower back was killing me.
I got back to the hospital and sat down at my desk, continued with my work just thinking that I had maybe strained a muscle. How wrong I was. Over the course of the next few days the pain got worse and my boss had mentioned to me that it seemed to him that I was leaning over to one side and walking at an angle, he told me to go and see the doctor for a checkup.
Long story short, I was admitted to one of the other hospitals that I worked at. I had seriously wrenched my back and they found after an MRI exam that I had a hernia. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks, went back to work feeling pretty good. But that was just the start.
For a couple of years I had repeated problems with my back that just kept on coming up and ended up when our son turned 3 or so, back into the hospital needing major back surgery. I was hospitalized for over 3 months and out of work for 6 months. I had fusion surgery on my spine and 6 bolts inserted into my spine to assist in holding the spine in place while the bone grafts that were taken from my hip fused. I still have the bolts and rods to this day. I lost a ton of weight too, I had dropped down to about 180 pounds and looked like death warmed over. The surgery itself lasted over 8 hours and I ended up needing 4 pints of blood, during the surgery. I also ended up with a severely pinched nerve in my left leg that took longer to heal than my back. I couldn't feel anything for months in the front half of my left upper leg. You could put an ice cube on my leg and I never knew it was there.
Fortunately my health insurance covered nearly all of the costs and because it was a work related injury I received workmen s compensation which helped to cover the bills of the hospital and at home.
The healing process took quite a while, but eventually I got back to work, and nearly 8 years later I had to go back into the hospital to have the bolts and rods taken out because they ended up fracturing bones in my spinal column. I am fine today, and have no complaints but am ever wary of having any problems with my back.
I also realized that being healthy is something I pretty much always took for granted yet after this experience showed that I had to be grateful for the doctors, nurses, and hospitals for all their assistance and help.
Friday, April 19, 2013
16. A Child Is Born, A New Job, Oyaji and Sanshin!
After losing my job, and moving back home, one thing that did pop into mind was the idea of moving back to the US. Our daughter was going to be starting elementary school and maybe a fresh start would be a good choice. Well our talked about plans never materialized beyond the talking stage, we found out that my wife was pregnant and we would be expecting our next child.
The pregnancy went along fine and our son was born in a rush. In January of 1994. When I say rush, my wifes water broke around 9AM and we went to the hospital, her contractions started around 12:45, I carried her into the birthing room as there was no time for her to walk or ride in a wheel chair.
Our son was born a little after 1:00 in the afternoon, with the doctor yelling at my wife to stop pushing and hold on, as he had only one glove on his hand, and my wife was digging her nails into the palms of my hands, drawing blood, screaming, and our red faced baby popped out like a champagne cork. (Note to all prospective new fathers, make sure the mother of your child cuts her fingernails before you join her to support her during giving birth.)
Everyone was happy, but things did not go so well for my wife. In Japan it is typical for a mother who has given birth to stay in the hospital for one week, for natural childbirth, and up to 2 weeks for a C-Section. Well my wife came home and the moment she tried walking up the stairs to our room on the second floor she experienced some serious pain in her pelvic region. We rushed to an orthopedic surgeon who checked her out and took some x-rays and found out that her pelvis bone had not closed properly after the childbirth. In other words she couldn't walk.
She was off her feet for one month, and I got to take care of her for the month she was off her feet. We were really lucky looking back at it that I wasnt working and was able to stay home and help out with her and the new baby. Our daughter was a great help too. She was 6, getting ready to go into 1st grade, and she was a huge help in watching over her baby brother! Grandma and Grandpa were happy too to have a new grandchild and they helped out tremendously as well. I think it made them younger too!
Around this time as well, Oyaji was feeling better and since he had retired "officially" he was home most of the time. However, just because he was retired didn't mean that he stopped being busy. He got involved in a lot of different activities in the local community. He was a licensed sanshin teacher, and started teaching the instrument to both children and senior citizens alike at our local area community center. A sanshin or samisen as it is typically called, is a traditional Okinawan musical instrument. It has three strings, the body of the instrument is covered with snake skin, and the neck of the instrument is from a hard wood tree, which when it matures has a naturally black center core.
Because I got this job through a friend of Oyaji's he was VERY concerned about me being able to succeed there and nearly every night after work, and after dinner, he would sit me down at the kitchen table and tell me to talk about what happened during the course of the day at work. He harped, and harped, and pushed me to learn more Japanese. In retrospect these little "talks" were the catalyst to me being able to communicate in Japanese.
However, many times these discussion became lectures about everything under the sun, and all too often he included my wife. Many times he would call us down from upstairs late in the evening and after he had had more than a few drinks in him, he preached about us, our children, our future, me, the house, everything. Many times my wife and him got into arguments because of his manner of always wanting us to do what he says and not as he did. He expected everyone under him to blindly follow his advice and opinions. He even got upset with us when we decided to name our oldest son something different than what he wanted.
He didnt like that we choose both an "American" name as well as a rather nontraditional, for the time, Japanese one as well.
He was a difficult man for me to understand, and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around the house, and felt that way for nearly 15 years. I dont know if you can relate to that, but it was stressful to always think that the ax was going to fall. But we couldn't move out. We thought about it, but circumstances were such that it wasnt going to happen.
The pregnancy went along fine and our son was born in a rush. In January of 1994. When I say rush, my wifes water broke around 9AM and we went to the hospital, her contractions started around 12:45, I carried her into the birthing room as there was no time for her to walk or ride in a wheel chair.
Our son was born a little after 1:00 in the afternoon, with the doctor yelling at my wife to stop pushing and hold on, as he had only one glove on his hand, and my wife was digging her nails into the palms of my hands, drawing blood, screaming, and our red faced baby popped out like a champagne cork. (Note to all prospective new fathers, make sure the mother of your child cuts her fingernails before you join her to support her during giving birth.)
Everyone was happy, but things did not go so well for my wife. In Japan it is typical for a mother who has given birth to stay in the hospital for one week, for natural childbirth, and up to 2 weeks for a C-Section. Well my wife came home and the moment she tried walking up the stairs to our room on the second floor she experienced some serious pain in her pelvic region. We rushed to an orthopedic surgeon who checked her out and took some x-rays and found out that her pelvis bone had not closed properly after the childbirth. In other words she couldn't walk.
She was off her feet for one month, and I got to take care of her for the month she was off her feet. We were really lucky looking back at it that I wasnt working and was able to stay home and help out with her and the new baby. Our daughter was a great help too. She was 6, getting ready to go into 1st grade, and she was a huge help in watching over her baby brother! Grandma and Grandpa were happy too to have a new grandchild and they helped out tremendously as well. I think it made them younger too!
Around this time as well, Oyaji was feeling better and since he had retired "officially" he was home most of the time. However, just because he was retired didn't mean that he stopped being busy. He got involved in a lot of different activities in the local community. He was a licensed sanshin teacher, and started teaching the instrument to both children and senior citizens alike at our local area community center. A sanshin or samisen as it is typically called, is a traditional Okinawan musical instrument. It has three strings, the body of the instrument is covered with snake skin, and the neck of the instrument is from a hard wood tree, which when it matures has a naturally black center core.
This is a You tube video of one of the, if not most, popular Okinawan songs. An English translation follows the video.
Hana: May Flowers Bloom in the Hearts of All People
Rivers flow on and on to who knows where.
People also flow on and on to who knows where.
When they reach their ends,
I would make such currents bloom
As flowers! As flowers!
Please cry if you must and laugh if you must,
And some day, some day
Let us make our flowers bloom!
Tears flow on and on to who knows where.
Love also flows on and on to who knows where.
Within this heart,
I would make such currents bloom
As flowers! As flowers!
Please cry if you must and laugh if you must,
And some day, some day
Let us make our flowers bloom!
Flowers, being flowers, are able to laugh.
People, being people, will also shed tears.
That is the song of nature, you know.
Let us make our flowers bloom
In our hearts! In our hearts!
Please cry if you must and laugh if you must,
And some day, some day
Let us make our flowers bloom!
And this one is a traditional song, much like the one's Oyaji practiced nearly everyday at home. I probably could do an entire page on traditional Okinawan culture like the music here, and probably will later on. This is just a taste for now. Sadly we don't have any video of Oyaji performing with his sanshin.
Got off track a bit here, well Oyaji also was the head of the town's Senior Citizen committee and was a very highly respected and well thought of man throughout the town. He was a very traditional Okinawan man in many ways, how people thought of him outside the house was more important than how he treated or viewed his family. That I discussed in another post here.
Anyway, I needed a job, and in preparation for something, anything really, I went to the local construction association and got a 10 ton crane license and went to a driving school to renew my large vehicle operators license. The idea at the time was to go to work for a transport company through a friend of Oyaji's but what came up instead was I go a job working at a local hospital starting off with assisting with their senior citizen day care program, driving a bus picking up and dropping off patients and working in the administration section and doing light maintenance work as well.
Because I got this job through a friend of Oyaji's he was VERY concerned about me being able to succeed there and nearly every night after work, and after dinner, he would sit me down at the kitchen table and tell me to talk about what happened during the course of the day at work. He harped, and harped, and pushed me to learn more Japanese. In retrospect these little "talks" were the catalyst to me being able to communicate in Japanese.
However, many times these discussion became lectures about everything under the sun, and all too often he included my wife. Many times he would call us down from upstairs late in the evening and after he had had more than a few drinks in him, he preached about us, our children, our future, me, the house, everything. Many times my wife and him got into arguments because of his manner of always wanting us to do what he says and not as he did. He expected everyone under him to blindly follow his advice and opinions. He even got upset with us when we decided to name our oldest son something different than what he wanted.
He didnt like that we choose both an "American" name as well as a rather nontraditional, for the time, Japanese one as well.
He was a difficult man for me to understand, and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around the house, and felt that way for nearly 15 years. I dont know if you can relate to that, but it was stressful to always think that the ax was going to fall. But we couldn't move out. We thought about it, but circumstances were such that it wasnt going to happen.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
15. A Step Away From History (Part Three War and the Aftermath)
As many people know Okinawa was the location for the last major land based battle during WWII. While this battle was going on, Hitler committed suicide, and the war in Europe was finished. Also keep in mind that during and towards the end of the battle here the horrors of the holocaust starting coming out and in the US the American people had tired of hearing of the war and just wanted it over.
The battle of Okinawa was not a totally forgotten battle,not at all, yet it comes in some places more as an undeserving footnote to history, which is a disservice to all the people from all sides in the conflict to say the least. The battle of Okinawa was the largest amphibious assault in history. The Normandy invasion paled in comparison. I can not put into words here without writing a history book the details of everything that happened during the battle, and that is not my goal either. I have added this link for people who are unfamiliar or want to review or relearn about what happened here.
Link To A Wikipedia Article About The Battle of Okinawa
Okinawa was home to over 300,000 civilians when the battle began, and over the course of roughly three months over 100,000 were killed. This is what I would hope you remember along with the number 230,000. That is roughly the total number of deaths from all sides during the battle.
After the war ended, all surviving Okinawan's were gathered together and put into internment camps for processing by the US Military which had begun an occupation of the island. The US appropriated land for bases mostly in the central and southern end of the island seeing as it is relatively flat unlike the mountainous northern end, from which the military had been planning a massive invasion of mainland Japan.
The US Military occupied the island eventually under what was called the United States Civil Administration of the Ryukyu Islands
Link To A Wikipedia Article Regarding USCAR; United States Civil Administration of Ryukyu Islands
This occupation ended in 1972 when the island was returned, some say "sold" back to Japanese government control. Please remember too that the military occupation of Japan ended on April 28th, 1952 when the US returned Japan back to Japanese control.
There are people in Okinawa today that still believe the US military is "occupying" Okinawa.
The people of Okinawa have had to bear the brunt of "hosting" the US Military here in the form of nearly 100,000 active duty military personnel and many of their families scattered over the island. They have been and still are an indescribable source of friction, sorrow, and sad reminders to many Okinawan people of the tragedy and horrors beyond horrors of WWII. To many who experienced WWII the war has NEVER ended and still lasts until today over 65 years later because those bases and what they represent still exist here.
There have been countless numbers of "incidents" murders, rapes, theft, and other crimes that military members or their families have committed against the Okinawa people that leave many of the people here yearning for the day that the bases leave.
Yet the bases today are no longer the main or only source of income and stability that they once were. The impact on the local economy is now roughly 7% or so compared to 100% right after WWII. More and more people actually have become very apathetic about the bases and view them as a necessary evil per say in that being an island that Okinawa is there is little industry here to support a population in the prefecture of now over 1.3 million people. With over 1 million living on the main island itself.
Yet many of the remaining bases sit in the middle of highly developed cities and towns, and the people want those areas back. But because of the Security Agreement between Japan and the US these bases can only be returned IF a suitable replacement facility is found ON the island.
I could go on and on about these issues, the media here is 100% biased against the military, every little "incident" gets published or shown on TV news broadcasts ad nasuem they will never publish anything positive that the military does here, and believe me it does do a lot, but sadly because of the press, the island never knows about it. Excuse me, those that know, know, but you never hear about it locally. That doesnt make sense does it? But many people are realistic in knowing because of the location of the island and it's strategic importance to the security of Japan the reality is that without the bases things would be very different here.
Politicians here pass "resolutions" demanding the return of the bases, yet many of these same municipalities that are calling for the return of the bases are receiving a substantial portion of their yearly operating budgets from the national government for hosting the very same bases. There are mayors that grandstand and say get the bases out of here, yet out of the other side of their mouths they complain that businesses with their communities dont get enough base related work or contracts and demand more. It's a seemingly never ending game.
There are anti-base demonstrations around some of the bases, and currently the major thorn in everyone's side and with one I personally agree with is the return of MCAS Futenma, (Marine Corp Air Station). This base sits smack dab in the middle of a city. At the end of one of the runways is an elementary school.
As you can see from this picture, it's literally surrounded by a city!
This base, which was agreed upon to be returned in a 1996 agreement between the Japanese Government and US Military, in the aftermath of numerous massive demonstrations in Okinawa, after a hideous kidnap and rape of a 12 year old Okinawan girl by 3 members of the US Military is the main focus of the current anti-base movement in Okinawa. The base can only be returned is a replacement facility is built on the island. But anti-base forces have demanded that the base be moved off island and the stalemate has continued until this day 17 years after the agreement was signed.
Link To A Wikipedia Article Regarding MCAS Futenma and Relocation Issues
All of these issues, the crimes, the locations of the bases, the history, the memories, and a host of other problems surrounding the bases continue to this day. There is blame to be passed around to all sides, American, Okinawan and Japanese too.
It can not be understated either the Okinawan people's desire to balance the security needs of the country vs their own desire for peace. More people died here in the battle of Okinawa than died in the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki COMBINED. School children have a course called "Peace Studies" and are taught about the horrors of the war and visit the Okinawa Peace Memorial Park, a somber reminder of the war and it's aftermath.
Link To A WIkipedia Article Regarding The Okinawa Prefectural Peace Memorial Park and Museum
The battle of Okinawa was not a totally forgotten battle,not at all, yet it comes in some places more as an undeserving footnote to history, which is a disservice to all the people from all sides in the conflict to say the least. The battle of Okinawa was the largest amphibious assault in history. The Normandy invasion paled in comparison. I can not put into words here without writing a history book the details of everything that happened during the battle, and that is not my goal either. I have added this link for people who are unfamiliar or want to review or relearn about what happened here.
Link To A Wikipedia Article About The Battle of Okinawa
Okinawa was home to over 300,000 civilians when the battle began, and over the course of roughly three months over 100,000 were killed. This is what I would hope you remember along with the number 230,000. That is roughly the total number of deaths from all sides during the battle.
After the war ended, all surviving Okinawan's were gathered together and put into internment camps for processing by the US Military which had begun an occupation of the island. The US appropriated land for bases mostly in the central and southern end of the island seeing as it is relatively flat unlike the mountainous northern end, from which the military had been planning a massive invasion of mainland Japan.
The US Military occupied the island eventually under what was called the United States Civil Administration of the Ryukyu Islands
Link To A Wikipedia Article Regarding USCAR; United States Civil Administration of Ryukyu Islands
This occupation ended in 1972 when the island was returned, some say "sold" back to Japanese government control. Please remember too that the military occupation of Japan ended on April 28th, 1952 when the US returned Japan back to Japanese control.
There are people in Okinawa today that still believe the US military is "occupying" Okinawa.
The people of Okinawa have had to bear the brunt of "hosting" the US Military here in the form of nearly 100,000 active duty military personnel and many of their families scattered over the island. They have been and still are an indescribable source of friction, sorrow, and sad reminders to many Okinawan people of the tragedy and horrors beyond horrors of WWII. To many who experienced WWII the war has NEVER ended and still lasts until today over 65 years later because those bases and what they represent still exist here.
There have been countless numbers of "incidents" murders, rapes, theft, and other crimes that military members or their families have committed against the Okinawa people that leave many of the people here yearning for the day that the bases leave.
Yet the bases today are no longer the main or only source of income and stability that they once were. The impact on the local economy is now roughly 7% or so compared to 100% right after WWII. More and more people actually have become very apathetic about the bases and view them as a necessary evil per say in that being an island that Okinawa is there is little industry here to support a population in the prefecture of now over 1.3 million people. With over 1 million living on the main island itself.
Yet many of the remaining bases sit in the middle of highly developed cities and towns, and the people want those areas back. But because of the Security Agreement between Japan and the US these bases can only be returned IF a suitable replacement facility is found ON the island.
I could go on and on about these issues, the media here is 100% biased against the military, every little "incident" gets published or shown on TV news broadcasts ad nasuem they will never publish anything positive that the military does here, and believe me it does do a lot, but sadly because of the press, the island never knows about it. Excuse me, those that know, know, but you never hear about it locally. That doesnt make sense does it? But many people are realistic in knowing because of the location of the island and it's strategic importance to the security of Japan the reality is that without the bases things would be very different here.
Politicians here pass "resolutions" demanding the return of the bases, yet many of these same municipalities that are calling for the return of the bases are receiving a substantial portion of their yearly operating budgets from the national government for hosting the very same bases. There are mayors that grandstand and say get the bases out of here, yet out of the other side of their mouths they complain that businesses with their communities dont get enough base related work or contracts and demand more. It's a seemingly never ending game.
There are anti-base demonstrations around some of the bases, and currently the major thorn in everyone's side and with one I personally agree with is the return of MCAS Futenma, (Marine Corp Air Station). This base sits smack dab in the middle of a city. At the end of one of the runways is an elementary school.
This base, which was agreed upon to be returned in a 1996 agreement between the Japanese Government and US Military, in the aftermath of numerous massive demonstrations in Okinawa, after a hideous kidnap and rape of a 12 year old Okinawan girl by 3 members of the US Military is the main focus of the current anti-base movement in Okinawa. The base can only be returned is a replacement facility is built on the island. But anti-base forces have demanded that the base be moved off island and the stalemate has continued until this day 17 years after the agreement was signed.
Link To A Wikipedia Article Regarding MCAS Futenma and Relocation Issues
All of these issues, the crimes, the locations of the bases, the history, the memories, and a host of other problems surrounding the bases continue to this day. There is blame to be passed around to all sides, American, Okinawan and Japanese too.
It can not be understated either the Okinawan people's desire to balance the security needs of the country vs their own desire for peace. More people died here in the battle of Okinawa than died in the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki COMBINED. School children have a course called "Peace Studies" and are taught about the horrors of the war and visit the Okinawa Peace Memorial Park, a somber reminder of the war and it's aftermath.
Link To A WIkipedia Article Regarding The Okinawa Prefectural Peace Memorial Park and Museum
The names of all the people, from all sides and countries are engraved on these walls of granite in memorial to their memories and the hope and desire that it never happen again.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
14. Aftermath, Oyaji's Health and Moving Again.
I don't recall exactly when it happened but while I was on unemployment, things at home were rather tough for all of us and we got a phone call one evening that my wife's father was taken to the hospital. He has some type of infection and things were pretty rough for him. He was in the hospital for nearly one month and while he probably would have been alright, looking back at it now, the decision was made that we would move back into my wife's house and help take care of Oyaji. He was in his late 60's and for everyone's peace of mind it would be better off having someone at home to take help take care of him.
You see Ba-chan was not the type of person who took care of others. She was the farthest thing from what people might have as an image of a "typical" Japanese or Okinawan wife. She did what she wanted to do, day in and day out. She rarely cooked or did anything to take care of her husband or the house. So because he had been ill she did not want to have to do anything to take care of him. I often wondered aloud to my wife how they managed to get married and stay together for so many years. She agreed too and knew little about how they got together.
As I previously mentioned both of them lost previous spouses, both due to illness, and at the time a single mother here didnt stay single for very long. I have heard some pretty strange tales of women who lost their husbands having a number of children by different fathers. That is not a joke either. But it was the "way" things were culturally in some parts of Okinawa. It wasn't something openly talked about either, but people have a way of telling stories that with a bit of imagination the puzzle parts fit together.
Anyway, they both were from the same small village in northern Okinawa, where the family grave still exists today. My wife's father was conscripted into the Imperial Japanese Army when he was 15 or 16 and forced to go to Manchuria which is a part of modern day China. He was eventually made a P.O.W. of the Soviet Union and nearly died of malaria during captivity. He retold a number of stories later in life about his experiences to my daughter and listening to the horrors that he experienced made me understand more and more about the Okinawan people's desires for peace.
He came back from the war and was back with his first wife who died of illness around 1952 or so, and he was put into an arranged marriage with Ba-chan after her first husband died of illness too. They both lost other siblings during the war as well.
They were an odd couple to say the least.
So we moved home. I still had no work and my wife's brother at the time was living in a separate condo in another part of Okinawa and had no desire to move back in to take care of his Mom and Dad. So since we were in a bind at the time, it was mutually beneficial that we move back.
Our daughter was going to start kindergarten and we enrolled her in the local kindergarten and elementary school. Around this time as well my wife's brother decided to open a coffee company. He had worked for a Japanese coffee distributor for a number of years and wanted to open his own business, so he started a small coffee sales and distributorship with the startup money coming from Oyaji.
Oyaji's health improved and while he was the figure head president of the company everyone in the family with the exception of Ba-chan got involved in helping to start the company up. He ran the business out of a small coffee shop and my wife and I both assisted for a number of months with the running of the coffee shop and deliveries and sales of the company. However this was not a stable income and with a new addition to "our" family soon to come I needed to find a more stable job.
You see Ba-chan was not the type of person who took care of others. She was the farthest thing from what people might have as an image of a "typical" Japanese or Okinawan wife. She did what she wanted to do, day in and day out. She rarely cooked or did anything to take care of her husband or the house. So because he had been ill she did not want to have to do anything to take care of him. I often wondered aloud to my wife how they managed to get married and stay together for so many years. She agreed too and knew little about how they got together.
As I previously mentioned both of them lost previous spouses, both due to illness, and at the time a single mother here didnt stay single for very long. I have heard some pretty strange tales of women who lost their husbands having a number of children by different fathers. That is not a joke either. But it was the "way" things were culturally in some parts of Okinawa. It wasn't something openly talked about either, but people have a way of telling stories that with a bit of imagination the puzzle parts fit together.
Anyway, they both were from the same small village in northern Okinawa, where the family grave still exists today. My wife's father was conscripted into the Imperial Japanese Army when he was 15 or 16 and forced to go to Manchuria which is a part of modern day China. He was eventually made a P.O.W. of the Soviet Union and nearly died of malaria during captivity. He retold a number of stories later in life about his experiences to my daughter and listening to the horrors that he experienced made me understand more and more about the Okinawan people's desires for peace.
He came back from the war and was back with his first wife who died of illness around 1952 or so, and he was put into an arranged marriage with Ba-chan after her first husband died of illness too. They both lost other siblings during the war as well.
They were an odd couple to say the least.
So we moved home. I still had no work and my wife's brother at the time was living in a separate condo in another part of Okinawa and had no desire to move back in to take care of his Mom and Dad. So since we were in a bind at the time, it was mutually beneficial that we move back.
Our daughter was going to start kindergarten and we enrolled her in the local kindergarten and elementary school. Around this time as well my wife's brother decided to open a coffee company. He had worked for a Japanese coffee distributor for a number of years and wanted to open his own business, so he started a small coffee sales and distributorship with the startup money coming from Oyaji.
Oyaji's health improved and while he was the figure head president of the company everyone in the family with the exception of Ba-chan got involved in helping to start the company up. He ran the business out of a small coffee shop and my wife and I both assisted for a number of months with the running of the coffee shop and deliveries and sales of the company. However this was not a stable income and with a new addition to "our" family soon to come I needed to find a more stable job.
13. Moving Out, New Jobs, a Piano and Yakuza
Well needless to say things got testy to say the least between Ba-Chan, Oyaji, my wife, and myself too. It was decided in the interest of keeping some semblance of peace that we should move out of the house.
I also changed jobs too. Working at the Conversation school also entailed doing sales work and the guy I worked for was not a bad guy by any means but expected me to work like a Japanese person, all dedicated to work and home life came second. We parted ways and in retrospect it was probably for the best as his business was failing and bills were mounting for him and he was having a hard time making ends meet.
I had made some new friends and one of the guys worked for the international telephone company in Japan and they needed an English speaking foreigner to assist with sales work with the US Military. Okinawa has one of the highest concentrations of US Military bases anywhere in the world. Leftover's from WWII. I will get into that discussion on a different post.
Anyway, so we moved, I got a new job, my wife got a new job too working at a women's clothing boutique on the main shopping street in a large retail sales orientated building in Naha. I could walk to work, it only took about 5 minutes, so it made it very convenient. Our daughter was still going to preschool and things settled into a different routine.
During this time, the latter part of the 1980's the Japanese economy was in what was called the "Bubble Economy" and Japan was the leading "Asian Tiger" in Asia economic wise. Our income was stable and things were looking good but that ride ended all too soon as the "bubble" burst and I was soon out of a job as were all the other contracted employees. The same was happening all throughout Japan.
I was busy, nearly everyday from the start of work at 8:30 AM until at least 7:00 or 8:00 PM weekdays I was either in the office or out on sales calls on the military bases. I assisted with installation of international telephones and telephone booths on those bases and ran and assisted with sales campaigns on all the military installations on Okinawa. The days were long, but the work was a lot of fun and I learned a lot too.
But along the way I picked up some pretty bad "Japanese" habits as well. Here is Japan after work it is common and pretty much expected for coworkers to go out to a pub and have a few drinks and then maybe go to a bar or karaoke afterwards. This happened roughly 3 or 4 times a week, and it seemed like I was not getting home until 10PM or later.
You can criticize all you want yet for myself and many other foreigners that I know here one goes through different stages of existence while here. I think it's pretty normal for anyone moving to and living in a foreign country and it doesnt excuse my actions but it is an explanation of sorts. You go through a period where you want to be accepted as "one of them". You do everything "they" do, you try to consciously and sub-consciously want and feel a need to be accepted and following along and doing what everyone else does is a part of that. I can say this now in retrospect, but while it was going on it wasn't something that I was aware of myself.
How some of this manifested itself was at home. I started expecting my wife to do more to take care of our daughter during the week. On weekends, since she worked I typically took care of her, but weekdays MY job came first, and this caused plenty of tension between us. We both became more focused on our jobs and the people we worked with and started spending less and less time together. I took our daughter to school in the AM, and often times she was at the preschool until late at night. I wanted her to be more of a "Japanese" wife and I regret ever putting her through what happened between us at that time.
As a family because of our work schedules we were pulling each other apart. It actually got worse when Oyaji started picking up his granddaughter from school every Friday and keeping her over the weekend at home. Suddenly I found myself free on Fridays, Saturday's and Sunday's. and had too much free time. Oyaji loved his new grand-daughter so much that for her 3rd birthday he bought her a piano! We had the piano moved into our condo and then starting taking her to piano lessons a few times a week after school and on weekends. That piano still sits in her room now.
I spent a lot of that time out at night with friends drinking and having fun. My wife wasn't home as she worked late nearly every night, finishing often times after 11PM or later. Things got pretty bad between us.
This is also the time that I picked up my nickname here in Okinawa that I am using here; Hachiro Miyagi. I started going to a bar near the building my wife worked at and I became friends with the bartender/owner. One evening he told me while we were drinking that if I was going to be living here in Japan I HAD to have a Japanese name. Over the course of the night of drinking and with talking with the other customers the conclusion that came about was that since my wife's family name is Miyagi my last name would be Miyagi. I got the first name "Hachiro" because here in Japan siblings are "counted" as 1st son, 2nd son, 1st daughter, 2nd daughter (長男、chounan 次男、jinan 三男 san nan......長女、choujo 次女、jijo 三女 san jo..)but in the States we typically count our siblings by order of birth regardless of sex. So since I am the 8th sibling the name they gave me was "Hachiro". It started as a joke, but the name has stuck. Even to this day there a a few places here that I could go to that they still call me "Hachiro" or "Ha-chan" (a nickname within a nickname) and I have used it ever since. People get a laugh out of it, but it's easier on my ears than being called Po-lu, as the name Paul is pronounced in Japanese.
As I mentioned earlier after a few years the bubble burst and I lost my job. I started collecting unemployment insurance pay, which at the time was HUGE. I was making roughly 80% of my former pay, tax free, for 6 months. There was little incentive to look for work, but eventually I met a guy who needed someone to drive for him. This guy had the Japanese equivalent of a caddy limo. I took the job without thinking about what he did too much, and ended up getting involved on the fringes with the Japanese yakuza.
The condo that we lived in had an interesting character living there, he was a 20's something guy, like me at the time, with a huge black labrador which he used to take out for walks every night. We became friends and often times went out drinking together at night. He took me to some of the seedier places in Okinawa but I thought nothing of it because I have ALWAYS felt safe here. I can still to this day walk ANYWHERE on this island at anytime day or night and never fear for my safety. So seedier is a word I use in retrospect. I still was in a huge learning process, my language skills were getting better but I still only spoke broken Japanese at the time. This guy introduced me to to the guy who gave me a job as his driver. He gave me the car too for use privately. All I had to do was pick him up in the morning, take him to his "office", pick him up and take him different places around the city a couple times a day and then drop him off at his favorite watering hole at night. I was free on the weekends for the most part and was getting paid nearly $3000.00 per month. The money was great, in cash, and nearly every night never paid a dime to eat or drink in bars, clubs, or restaurants. How naive I was.
About 1/4 mile from out condo was a yakuza jimsho or Japanese mafia office. While we were living there there was a war going on in Okinawa between different factions and there were two murders that occurred near our condo at the same time. The police were all over the place. They called in reinforcements from all over Japan and their presence in Okinawa was in the news for months. There were roadblocks all around the neighborhood and I got stopped countless numbers of times because of the car I was driving. They checked it countless times and passed me on. Me in ignorant bliss at the time about the "why". But I was learning and my eyes opened fully after my "boss" took me to Tokyo and Osaka for a "business trip".
I stayed in one of the classiest hotels in Tokyo and Osaka, never spent a dime and went places that I would never have been able to afford. One place in particular was a club where it cost $1000.00 per person just to sit down in the place. (One of the most boring experiences I ever had) I met and saw people that I hope, even to this day, that I never meet or see again in this lifetime or any other lifetime. I never got into anything illegal and I am ever grateful that my "senses" returned to me, but it was just another experience that opened my eyes a bit more about what Japan is like.
I also changed jobs too. Working at the Conversation school also entailed doing sales work and the guy I worked for was not a bad guy by any means but expected me to work like a Japanese person, all dedicated to work and home life came second. We parted ways and in retrospect it was probably for the best as his business was failing and bills were mounting for him and he was having a hard time making ends meet.
I had made some new friends and one of the guys worked for the international telephone company in Japan and they needed an English speaking foreigner to assist with sales work with the US Military. Okinawa has one of the highest concentrations of US Military bases anywhere in the world. Leftover's from WWII. I will get into that discussion on a different post.
Anyway, so we moved, I got a new job, my wife got a new job too working at a women's clothing boutique on the main shopping street in a large retail sales orientated building in Naha. I could walk to work, it only took about 5 minutes, so it made it very convenient. Our daughter was still going to preschool and things settled into a different routine.
During this time, the latter part of the 1980's the Japanese economy was in what was called the "Bubble Economy" and Japan was the leading "Asian Tiger" in Asia economic wise. Our income was stable and things were looking good but that ride ended all too soon as the "bubble" burst and I was soon out of a job as were all the other contracted employees. The same was happening all throughout Japan.
I was busy, nearly everyday from the start of work at 8:30 AM until at least 7:00 or 8:00 PM weekdays I was either in the office or out on sales calls on the military bases. I assisted with installation of international telephones and telephone booths on those bases and ran and assisted with sales campaigns on all the military installations on Okinawa. The days were long, but the work was a lot of fun and I learned a lot too.
But along the way I picked up some pretty bad "Japanese" habits as well. Here is Japan after work it is common and pretty much expected for coworkers to go out to a pub and have a few drinks and then maybe go to a bar or karaoke afterwards. This happened roughly 3 or 4 times a week, and it seemed like I was not getting home until 10PM or later.
You can criticize all you want yet for myself and many other foreigners that I know here one goes through different stages of existence while here. I think it's pretty normal for anyone moving to and living in a foreign country and it doesnt excuse my actions but it is an explanation of sorts. You go through a period where you want to be accepted as "one of them". You do everything "they" do, you try to consciously and sub-consciously want and feel a need to be accepted and following along and doing what everyone else does is a part of that. I can say this now in retrospect, but while it was going on it wasn't something that I was aware of myself.
How some of this manifested itself was at home. I started expecting my wife to do more to take care of our daughter during the week. On weekends, since she worked I typically took care of her, but weekdays MY job came first, and this caused plenty of tension between us. We both became more focused on our jobs and the people we worked with and started spending less and less time together. I took our daughter to school in the AM, and often times she was at the preschool until late at night. I wanted her to be more of a "Japanese" wife and I regret ever putting her through what happened between us at that time.
As a family because of our work schedules we were pulling each other apart. It actually got worse when Oyaji started picking up his granddaughter from school every Friday and keeping her over the weekend at home. Suddenly I found myself free on Fridays, Saturday's and Sunday's. and had too much free time. Oyaji loved his new grand-daughter so much that for her 3rd birthday he bought her a piano! We had the piano moved into our condo and then starting taking her to piano lessons a few times a week after school and on weekends. That piano still sits in her room now.
I spent a lot of that time out at night with friends drinking and having fun. My wife wasn't home as she worked late nearly every night, finishing often times after 11PM or later. Things got pretty bad between us.
This is also the time that I picked up my nickname here in Okinawa that I am using here; Hachiro Miyagi. I started going to a bar near the building my wife worked at and I became friends with the bartender/owner. One evening he told me while we were drinking that if I was going to be living here in Japan I HAD to have a Japanese name. Over the course of the night of drinking and with talking with the other customers the conclusion that came about was that since my wife's family name is Miyagi my last name would be Miyagi. I got the first name "Hachiro" because here in Japan siblings are "counted" as 1st son, 2nd son, 1st daughter, 2nd daughter (長男、chounan 次男、jinan 三男 san nan......長女、choujo 次女、jijo 三女 san jo..)but in the States we typically count our siblings by order of birth regardless of sex. So since I am the 8th sibling the name they gave me was "Hachiro". It started as a joke, but the name has stuck. Even to this day there a a few places here that I could go to that they still call me "Hachiro" or "Ha-chan" (a nickname within a nickname) and I have used it ever since. People get a laugh out of it, but it's easier on my ears than being called Po-lu, as the name Paul is pronounced in Japanese.
As I mentioned earlier after a few years the bubble burst and I lost my job. I started collecting unemployment insurance pay, which at the time was HUGE. I was making roughly 80% of my former pay, tax free, for 6 months. There was little incentive to look for work, but eventually I met a guy who needed someone to drive for him. This guy had the Japanese equivalent of a caddy limo. I took the job without thinking about what he did too much, and ended up getting involved on the fringes with the Japanese yakuza.
The condo that we lived in had an interesting character living there, he was a 20's something guy, like me at the time, with a huge black labrador which he used to take out for walks every night. We became friends and often times went out drinking together at night. He took me to some of the seedier places in Okinawa but I thought nothing of it because I have ALWAYS felt safe here. I can still to this day walk ANYWHERE on this island at anytime day or night and never fear for my safety. So seedier is a word I use in retrospect. I still was in a huge learning process, my language skills were getting better but I still only spoke broken Japanese at the time. This guy introduced me to to the guy who gave me a job as his driver. He gave me the car too for use privately. All I had to do was pick him up in the morning, take him to his "office", pick him up and take him different places around the city a couple times a day and then drop him off at his favorite watering hole at night. I was free on the weekends for the most part and was getting paid nearly $3000.00 per month. The money was great, in cash, and nearly every night never paid a dime to eat or drink in bars, clubs, or restaurants. How naive I was.
About 1/4 mile from out condo was a yakuza jimsho or Japanese mafia office. While we were living there there was a war going on in Okinawa between different factions and there were two murders that occurred near our condo at the same time. The police were all over the place. They called in reinforcements from all over Japan and their presence in Okinawa was in the news for months. There were roadblocks all around the neighborhood and I got stopped countless numbers of times because of the car I was driving. They checked it countless times and passed me on. Me in ignorant bliss at the time about the "why". But I was learning and my eyes opened fully after my "boss" took me to Tokyo and Osaka for a "business trip".
I stayed in one of the classiest hotels in Tokyo and Osaka, never spent a dime and went places that I would never have been able to afford. One place in particular was a club where it cost $1000.00 per person just to sit down in the place. (One of the most boring experiences I ever had) I met and saw people that I hope, even to this day, that I never meet or see again in this lifetime or any other lifetime. I never got into anything illegal and I am ever grateful that my "senses" returned to me, but it was just another experience that opened my eyes a bit more about what Japan is like.
Monday, April 15, 2013
12. Stepping In It and Moving On
Well, as I had mentioned before it seemed like there was an uncomfortable truce between Grandma Grandpa and us, specifically me. Typically speaking when a Japanese person gets married they call their in-laws "mother" or "father". Yet my wife's dad told me, "I am not your father so you call me ”oyaji" which literally translates to "old man". Everyone in the family called him that so I called him that and grandma was "Ba-chan" or literally grandma. So as we started settling into a routine of getting up, going to work, and pre-school, things were pretty calm, but little did I know, in my ignorant bliss of not knowing any Japanese that my presence was causing trouble within the family.
I recall, even to this nearly 25 years ago, the events that started a firestorm at the time and forced us to move out of the house.
Typically in Japanese houses people remove their shoes upon entering, and either put on slippers, or more commonly walk barefoot in the house. Ok no biggie right! WRONG! No I didnt walk around the house in my shoes and no one expected me too either, but my shoes, yes my shoes of all things was the spark that started the blaze.
One morning I was heading out to go somewhere, and I was off, I went to the door looking to put my shoes on and they were gone. There is a large shoe box near the door, but my shoes were not there either. Sure I could have put on another pair of shoes and it wouldnt have been a big deal, but I was annoyed that only my shoes were missing. My wife was out, and only Ba-chan and I were home.
By this time, it's only about 6 months after we had initially moved in, I remember now, it was Golden Week, which happens in the beginning of May every year, there is a period of 3 days in a row and 4 in 7 that are national holidays. Many people take off an entire week or sometimes more depending upon the calendar.
I could only speak a few words of Japanese and Ba-chan of course couldnt speak any English so in my broken Japanese and with an edge on my voice I asked her where my shoes were. She replied saying something I totally did not understand, and I raised my voiced frustrated that neither of us could communicate and wanted to know where my shoes were. This went back and forth a few times and eventually I ended up putting on a pair of sandals and stormed out the door. I didnt think much of it but boy was I ever wrong.
When I came home later that afternoon my wife was home and in a heated discussion with her Mom and Dad. Things were escalating and without knowing what was being said I interruptied my wife and asked her to translate what was being said. I was picking up a word here and there and didn't like what I was hearing.
Long story short; after I left the house Ba-chan went nuts, she went across the street from our house, there is a small Mom and Pop grocery store there where all the neighborhood grannies would gather and gossip, and start raving about this giant loud-mouthed, good for nothing, "gaijin" (foreigner) of a son-in-law, who wouldn't listen to Ba-chan because she put his shoes outside, because she thought they were too big and took up too much space at the front entrance, and he got angry because he couldn't find them, and even when she told him where they were, he didn't understand!
I have to add here that eventually I found out that my mother-in-law was one of the most unique individuals I have ever met in my life, and not necessarily meaning that in a good way either. She was NEVER , EVER, guilty or wrong of anything. NEVER once in all the years we lived together did I ever hear her apologize for anything SHE did wrong. Not once, never! She always managed to find a reason or a person to blame for anything that went wrong, always. (An example of what I mean: My youngest son once fell out of a tree and got a minor concussion and we thought he broke his nose as well, she blamed the tree, she blamed me, I was at work when it happened, she blamed the weather. She blamed everyone except my son. It was just an accident and we were fortunate that it wasn't worse, there was no one to blame, but she did! And ALWAYS was like this about anything and everything in the house and her life. In later years this became more pronounced and caused a lot of frustration and headaches)
It was MY fault that my shoes were too big. It was my fault for not understanding Japanese. It was my fault for making her feel like she was going to have a heart attack because it was my fault that I was too big and my voice too loud for her liking. It was my fault for not listening. It was my fault because I married (stole) their daughter. You get the picture I think. She even went so far as to call nearly everyone of my wifes relatives and complain and "bad-mouth" me to everyone she met. I was my fault that she had to hide my shoes outside the house because she thought they were smelly and too big. (They were new shoes hardly worn at all, smelly was just an excuse she gave)
Fortunately I was in ignorant bliss of the details at the time, otherwise I may have really stepped into it I bet.
Because of all of this, we ended up having to move out of the house to keep the peace.
I recall, even to this nearly 25 years ago, the events that started a firestorm at the time and forced us to move out of the house.
Typically in Japanese houses people remove their shoes upon entering, and either put on slippers, or more commonly walk barefoot in the house. Ok no biggie right! WRONG! No I didnt walk around the house in my shoes and no one expected me too either, but my shoes, yes my shoes of all things was the spark that started the blaze.
One morning I was heading out to go somewhere, and I was off, I went to the door looking to put my shoes on and they were gone. There is a large shoe box near the door, but my shoes were not there either. Sure I could have put on another pair of shoes and it wouldnt have been a big deal, but I was annoyed that only my shoes were missing. My wife was out, and only Ba-chan and I were home.
By this time, it's only about 6 months after we had initially moved in, I remember now, it was Golden Week, which happens in the beginning of May every year, there is a period of 3 days in a row and 4 in 7 that are national holidays. Many people take off an entire week or sometimes more depending upon the calendar.
I could only speak a few words of Japanese and Ba-chan of course couldnt speak any English so in my broken Japanese and with an edge on my voice I asked her where my shoes were. She replied saying something I totally did not understand, and I raised my voiced frustrated that neither of us could communicate and wanted to know where my shoes were. This went back and forth a few times and eventually I ended up putting on a pair of sandals and stormed out the door. I didnt think much of it but boy was I ever wrong.
When I came home later that afternoon my wife was home and in a heated discussion with her Mom and Dad. Things were escalating and without knowing what was being said I interruptied my wife and asked her to translate what was being said. I was picking up a word here and there and didn't like what I was hearing.
Long story short; after I left the house Ba-chan went nuts, she went across the street from our house, there is a small Mom and Pop grocery store there where all the neighborhood grannies would gather and gossip, and start raving about this giant loud-mouthed, good for nothing, "gaijin" (foreigner) of a son-in-law, who wouldn't listen to Ba-chan because she put his shoes outside, because she thought they were too big and took up too much space at the front entrance, and he got angry because he couldn't find them, and even when she told him where they were, he didn't understand!
I have to add here that eventually I found out that my mother-in-law was one of the most unique individuals I have ever met in my life, and not necessarily meaning that in a good way either. She was NEVER , EVER, guilty or wrong of anything. NEVER once in all the years we lived together did I ever hear her apologize for anything SHE did wrong. Not once, never! She always managed to find a reason or a person to blame for anything that went wrong, always. (An example of what I mean: My youngest son once fell out of a tree and got a minor concussion and we thought he broke his nose as well, she blamed the tree, she blamed me, I was at work when it happened, she blamed the weather. She blamed everyone except my son. It was just an accident and we were fortunate that it wasn't worse, there was no one to blame, but she did! And ALWAYS was like this about anything and everything in the house and her life. In later years this became more pronounced and caused a lot of frustration and headaches)
It was MY fault that my shoes were too big. It was my fault for not understanding Japanese. It was my fault for making her feel like she was going to have a heart attack because it was my fault that I was too big and my voice too loud for her liking. It was my fault for not listening. It was my fault because I married (stole) their daughter. You get the picture I think. She even went so far as to call nearly everyone of my wifes relatives and complain and "bad-mouth" me to everyone she met. I was my fault that she had to hide my shoes outside the house because she thought they were smelly and too big. (They were new shoes hardly worn at all, smelly was just an excuse she gave)
Fortunately I was in ignorant bliss of the details at the time, otherwise I may have really stepped into it I bet.
Because of all of this, we ended up having to move out of the house to keep the peace.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
11. Starting Off , Exploring and Work!
Well the new year went by quickly, and before we knew it everyone was getting back to their normal routines and we had to find jobs, get paperwork done, get a car, all sorts of things that come with the territory of moving into a new environment.
We were fortunate at the time that my wife's father was the principal at a local driving school. He had retired, although he was still in his late 50's, from being a Japanese policeman, and was the head of two driving school's. Driving schools in Japan are where 99.99% of the people here go to learn to drive and get their licenses. It isn't mandatory but without paying the money and going to the school it's next to impossible to pass the driving test that the Japanese police run at the official testing station.
You can get your license by graduating from the school or by taking the test, believe me for most people it's easier to pay the cash and go to school.
We were fortunate in that he was able to give us a car that they had used at the school. It wasnt fancy, but it had A/C, a necessity here, and ran very well. They took great care of it at the school. I was lucky too, in that at the time all American's had to do to get their licenses was to have their stateside license translated into Japanese, pay a fee, go to the license station and fill out some paperwork, take a class, and get your license.
The rules have changed now, but that's another topic. So, I got my license, we had a car, and now we had to fill out paperwork for keeping me here legally. I came to Japan on a tourist visa, pretty unorthodox at the time, even though we were married, but we were only legally married in the US. We had to file a bunch of paperwork with Japanese immigration and with the local city office and file marriage paperwork and more paperwork to get our daughter legally registered, and more paperwork to apply for residency. All sorts of paperwork but we got it done in the first week after the New Year holiday ended. Here in Japan at the time EVERYTHING shut down during New Year's, gas stations, supermarkets, banks, department stores, I do believe that the only things that were open were the airport and temples and shrines that people traditionally visit over New Years to wish and pray for good luck in the upcoming year. We did that too, and I will talk about that in another "Step Away From History" part.
Well things at home were unusual for me and for the family too. This big American, and to them here I am a giant. My wife is about 5 ft tall 110 lbs, her mother not much different, and her dad, tall for here, but still well under 5' 10" and weighed maybe 140 lbs. Me I am about 6'4" and at the time weighed about 210 lbs. So everything I said felt to them like it was coming down from the ceiling and loud. There was what seemed like to me a truce had been decided upon without consulting me. My wife and her parents weren't talking much and of course I couldn't talk to them, so things were as they were.
It was decided that I was going to work at an English Conversation School as a teacher. This was decided by my father-in-law and his cousin who was called into the discussion because he could speak English. He was a journalism professor at the national University here and was involved with many peace related activities. (Another footnote and "Step Away From History" section related to Okinawa, the military here, Peace Studies, and it's history)
But before I actually started working I had roughly a month or so of time to explore my new surroundings. I never realized how big the island was from my time in the Marine Corp. Even though I had been many different places on the island I had never been "down south". My perception of size changed quite a bit. Driving here for the first time was an adventure too. Driving on the "right" side of the road, unbelievable traffic. (The population of the main island of Okinawa is roughly 1.1 million people, living in a space not much bigger than the Milwaukee metropolitan area and having somewhere in the neighborhood of 700,000 registered vehicles) It could take as much as an hour to ninety minutes to travel 7 or 8 miles. Unbelievable to the uninitiated and frustrating too. Driving manners were quite different, people running red lights, not stopping at stop signs, yellow lights meaning speed up, and cutting other drivers off all seemed to be a normal part of the routine. Yet rarely seeing accidents or every hearing about them either.
So I traveled around nearly every day from morning until late afternoon, just learning the roads, and learning about my new surroundings.
Eventually I started work at a school called International Friends Academy, an English conversation school, in Naha. Naha is the capitol city of the prefecture (state) of Okinawa. It has a population of roughly 300,000 people in an area not much larger than maybe the city of Milwaukee east of the river to the lakefront and from the Wisconsin Ave to Capitol drive and roads that twist and turn every which way imaginable. Not to mention two way streets no wider than an alley.
Looking back at it, I am forever grateful that I took the time to check things out and learn the roads. It made things so much easier for me as I started working and had to commute to work everyday.
Since both of us were starting work, my wife and I, we also had to find day care for our daughter and we were lucky to find a small school across the street from where I worked. It made things convenient for both of us as where we both worked was about 5 minutes walking distance from her school.
I have to add here as a side note, you may have noticed that I have not been using my wife's or daughters names when I have been referring to them here. They both requested that I do not use their names. And out of respect of their wishes I have not included them here nor anywhere so far in these pages that I have written. To those that know they know who I am talking about, and to those that don't know I apologize if it makes it more difficult to read.
We were fortunate at the time that my wife's father was the principal at a local driving school. He had retired, although he was still in his late 50's, from being a Japanese policeman, and was the head of two driving school's. Driving schools in Japan are where 99.99% of the people here go to learn to drive and get their licenses. It isn't mandatory but without paying the money and going to the school it's next to impossible to pass the driving test that the Japanese police run at the official testing station.
You can get your license by graduating from the school or by taking the test, believe me for most people it's easier to pay the cash and go to school.
We were fortunate in that he was able to give us a car that they had used at the school. It wasnt fancy, but it had A/C, a necessity here, and ran very well. They took great care of it at the school. I was lucky too, in that at the time all American's had to do to get their licenses was to have their stateside license translated into Japanese, pay a fee, go to the license station and fill out some paperwork, take a class, and get your license.
The rules have changed now, but that's another topic. So, I got my license, we had a car, and now we had to fill out paperwork for keeping me here legally. I came to Japan on a tourist visa, pretty unorthodox at the time, even though we were married, but we were only legally married in the US. We had to file a bunch of paperwork with Japanese immigration and with the local city office and file marriage paperwork and more paperwork to get our daughter legally registered, and more paperwork to apply for residency. All sorts of paperwork but we got it done in the first week after the New Year holiday ended. Here in Japan at the time EVERYTHING shut down during New Year's, gas stations, supermarkets, banks, department stores, I do believe that the only things that were open were the airport and temples and shrines that people traditionally visit over New Years to wish and pray for good luck in the upcoming year. We did that too, and I will talk about that in another "Step Away From History" part.
Well things at home were unusual for me and for the family too. This big American, and to them here I am a giant. My wife is about 5 ft tall 110 lbs, her mother not much different, and her dad, tall for here, but still well under 5' 10" and weighed maybe 140 lbs. Me I am about 6'4" and at the time weighed about 210 lbs. So everything I said felt to them like it was coming down from the ceiling and loud. There was what seemed like to me a truce had been decided upon without consulting me. My wife and her parents weren't talking much and of course I couldn't talk to them, so things were as they were.
It was decided that I was going to work at an English Conversation School as a teacher. This was decided by my father-in-law and his cousin who was called into the discussion because he could speak English. He was a journalism professor at the national University here and was involved with many peace related activities. (Another footnote and "Step Away From History" section related to Okinawa, the military here, Peace Studies, and it's history)
But before I actually started working I had roughly a month or so of time to explore my new surroundings. I never realized how big the island was from my time in the Marine Corp. Even though I had been many different places on the island I had never been "down south". My perception of size changed quite a bit. Driving here for the first time was an adventure too. Driving on the "right" side of the road, unbelievable traffic. (The population of the main island of Okinawa is roughly 1.1 million people, living in a space not much bigger than the Milwaukee metropolitan area and having somewhere in the neighborhood of 700,000 registered vehicles) It could take as much as an hour to ninety minutes to travel 7 or 8 miles. Unbelievable to the uninitiated and frustrating too. Driving manners were quite different, people running red lights, not stopping at stop signs, yellow lights meaning speed up, and cutting other drivers off all seemed to be a normal part of the routine. Yet rarely seeing accidents or every hearing about them either.
So I traveled around nearly every day from morning until late afternoon, just learning the roads, and learning about my new surroundings.
Eventually I started work at a school called International Friends Academy, an English conversation school, in Naha. Naha is the capitol city of the prefecture (state) of Okinawa. It has a population of roughly 300,000 people in an area not much larger than maybe the city of Milwaukee east of the river to the lakefront and from the Wisconsin Ave to Capitol drive and roads that twist and turn every which way imaginable. Not to mention two way streets no wider than an alley.
Looking back at it, I am forever grateful that I took the time to check things out and learn the roads. It made things so much easier for me as I started working and had to commute to work everyday.
Since both of us were starting work, my wife and I, we also had to find day care for our daughter and we were lucky to find a small school across the street from where I worked. It made things convenient for both of us as where we both worked was about 5 minutes walking distance from her school.
I have to add here as a side note, you may have noticed that I have not been using my wife's or daughters names when I have been referring to them here. They both requested that I do not use their names. And out of respect of their wishes I have not included them here nor anywhere so far in these pages that I have written. To those that know they know who I am talking about, and to those that don't know I apologize if it makes it more difficult to read.
Friday, April 12, 2013
10. A Step Away From History (Part Two The Butsudan)
This is a picture of my wife's butsudan decorated for O'Bon, the festival of the dead.
As you can see there are a number of decorations surrounding it. The lanterns in front are symbolic, when lit, (electric bulbs inside) are believed to be "guides" for the deceased ancestors to follow to come back home. There are fresh flowers surrounding the ihai and you can see the pot in front for placing the incense sticks after lighting them.
The glazed pot is filled with white ashes and the incense burns itself out when it hits the ashes. The fruits, a specific number, but not limited to type, are placed on both sides in offering, as well as some small cakes. During O'Bon at every meal that the family eats, a portion is placed in front of the altar as an offering. On the 15th day there is a special traditional food that is offered and there is a small ceremony held in the house to say good by and give offerings to request the ancestors keep watch over the family until next year. Incense is lit, the blue glazed cups, in one is hot water and the other hot tea, and in the center in the black raised cup is awamori. Candles are lit, and the food sits there for about 10 or 15 minutes until the incense burns away, and then taken down and eaten.
This is a picture of the traditional food offered on the last day of O'bon. Those are rice cakes, tofu, steamed fish cake, some type of edible seaweed, and a type of root vegetable called burdock.
There are different types of butsudan, and some are very elaborate, and some built right into the house itself.
During the course of the year, as I noted previously, the butsudan is the central part of the family's life to many people here, and it's importance can not be understated.
That being said, my wife has an older brother, you might be asking, why doesn't he have the butsudan and why are you guys taking care of it and not him. That is another part of the history and comes much later!
9. A Step Away From History (Part One The Ihai)
Before I continue on I need to share a few things about "home" and the family altar, otherwise known as a butsudan in Japanese.
Traditionally the family altar is maintained in the house of the first son, or eldest living son, of a family. Included in it are the names of the family members that are deceased, their names written on what is called an ihai or directly translated to a Buddhist mortuary tablet. Here is a picture of an ihai, please note that there is a difference between an Okinawan ihai and a Japanese one.
You can see the deceased peoples names written in kanji on the red tablets in the center. On the back is the date that they died. Traditionally as well flowers, or some type of green plant is commonly placed on either side of the ihai on the family altar.
A Japanese ihai traditionally only has the name of one deceased person written on it. There are different types as well, some made from wood, but basically look the same.
The butsudan is an important part of family celebrations in an Okinawan household. Typically at least two times a year the extended family will gather at the house of the family member that is maintaining the family altar. New Year's and O'Bon, which is the festival of the dead, where during the 7th month of the lunar calendar, on the 13th 14th and 15th day it is believed that the spirits of the deceased family members come back into the house.
Now with my wife's family, my mother-in-law, was very, very, very, serious about maintaining the family altar. Here in Okinawa too, maintaining the family altar doesnt just mean keeping it clean and preparing it for the special occasions either. Twice a month on the 1st and 15th day of the lunar calendar, the water, flowers, tea, sake (awamori/Okinawan rice whiskey) have to be changed, and incense offered as well. That along with the spring equinox, autumn equinox, and other times during the year on the lunar calendar where offerings are made or shared with the "ancestors". My wife's parents both passed away within the past few years so on the anniversary of their death's, their birthday's, or on special occasions related to family events, we make offerings of incense, or some particular food.
Part Two: The Butsudan
Traditionally the family altar is maintained in the house of the first son, or eldest living son, of a family. Included in it are the names of the family members that are deceased, their names written on what is called an ihai or directly translated to a Buddhist mortuary tablet. Here is a picture of an ihai, please note that there is a difference between an Okinawan ihai and a Japanese one.
A Japanese ihai traditionally only has the name of one deceased person written on it. There are different types as well, some made from wood, but basically look the same.
The butsudan is an important part of family celebrations in an Okinawan household. Typically at least two times a year the extended family will gather at the house of the family member that is maintaining the family altar. New Year's and O'Bon, which is the festival of the dead, where during the 7th month of the lunar calendar, on the 13th 14th and 15th day it is believed that the spirits of the deceased family members come back into the house.
Now with my wife's family, my mother-in-law, was very, very, very, serious about maintaining the family altar. Here in Okinawa too, maintaining the family altar doesnt just mean keeping it clean and preparing it for the special occasions either. Twice a month on the 1st and 15th day of the lunar calendar, the water, flowers, tea, sake (awamori/Okinawan rice whiskey) have to be changed, and incense offered as well. That along with the spring equinox, autumn equinox, and other times during the year on the lunar calendar where offerings are made or shared with the "ancestors". My wife's parents both passed away within the past few years so on the anniversary of their death's, their birthday's, or on special occasions related to family events, we make offerings of incense, or some particular food.
Part Two: The Butsudan
Thursday, April 11, 2013
8. Happy and Anxious New Year!
New Year's Day! 明けましておめでとうございます！(Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!)
My first "New Year" in Okinawa. We wake up early in the morning and go downstairs into the kitchen, Grandma and Grandpa are sitting at the kitchen table and we wish them a happy new year. My daughter wakes up, she slept in Grandpa's room, and he starts bustling about getting her something to eat and drink for breakfast. Then he proceeds to tell us that she has to get dressed up for New Year's. It's traditional for many people here, particularly women, and girls to wear kimono on New Years. A few days before, Grandpa and Grandma went shopping and bought Nicky a new kimono to wear on New Year's day.
She got all dressed up and then to my surprise Grandpa handed her a small decorative envelope, inside the envelope was a few thousand yen, about $20.00 at the time. I was surprised, not knowing that it is traditional for adults to give new year's money to children in the family. She was so happy and running around the house with Grandpa in tow. Enjoying her new surroundings and adapting well.
My wife and I were helping prepare the ton of food that we had bought a few days before for all the guests that were coming over that day.
I have to add here that at this time I knew ZERO Japanese, and everything around me was in Japanese, the TV, Grandma, Grandpa, my wife, EVERYTHING. I felt so lost, and my wife, much to my chagrin at the time, wasn't telling 1/10th of what was being said. (Looking back at it, it probably saved all our sanity, particularly mine, that she only translated what she thought was necessary) So I am there in ignorant bliss, in this new house and environment and not knowing a single thing that was being said.
We prepared the food, and in the early afternoon, my wife's relatives started showing up at the house. In all there were about 20 people in the house, and after a while people starting moving all the furniture in the small living room into a "U" shape and then two chairs were place at the top of the "U" and my wife and I were told to sit down. Then it started.
Everyone was talking at once, at to the untrained and unknowing ear it sounded like EVERYONE was pissed off, like seriously angry, and I was getting worried. I kept bugging my wife to tell me what was being said but she brushed me off and only told me that everyone was asking "why", "where" "who" " how come" and "why" and "why" and "What are you going to do NOW?"
I was getting more worried and it seemed to me that the level of the "discussion" had turned up a few notches into a full blown argument with the anger directed towards me.
What my wife told me later is that everyone wanted to know the details of how we got married and why we didnt have a wedding here in Okinawa before going to the states, and why didnt my wife introduce me to them before going, and why did she lie to them about the reasons she went. Her father was particularly angry because being his "only" daughter with this wife he had dreams of her getting married in a more traditional manner with a more traditional person, meaning an Okinawan and not a foreigner.
He felt that I "stole" his daughter and "stole" his pride or desire to show her off in a more traditional manner when getting married here.
The conversation went on, and eventually after what seemed like hours, but it was actually much shorter than that, the conversation turned to "Ok it's done" What are you going to do from now on?" It was decided that for the time being we would live together with Grandpa and Grandma and everyone would assist with helping us get settled in and finding me a job.
The food came out, and then so did the alcohol. Everything here, from the day one is born until the day you die, as I found out later, revolves around drinking. Drinking beer, awamori, (a distilled rice whiskey brewed locally) brandy, what-ever. Everyone was drinking, or so it seemed. It was only the guys that were drinking and it was all the women that were waiting on them hand and foot.
I couldnt believe some of what I was seeing. My wife has an older brother who lived in the house, and my wife, even though she was married to me, still waited on him hand and foot it seemed. I thought he was one lazy dude. Three feet away from him was a newspaper, my wife was in the kitchen preparing some food to bring next door where everyone was at, and he called to her. She came into the living room and all he asked her was, "Hey bring me that newspaper over there." It was three feet away! He thought nothing of it and what surprised me was neither did my wife.
If I had done that to any of my 4 sisters or mother, heaven forbid, I would not be alive today! Cripes, what am I getting myself into I thought. The range of emotions and feelings I was having at the time was overwhelming to say the least.
Well I started drinking too, and my wife's half-sister's husband started trying to speak English to me, of course by this time he was drunk, my father-in-law had retired to his room to watch TV and play with my daughter, and I was left alone with this guy, her brother, and some other cousins and her half-sister's younger children. It was an unforgettable night. Neither of us understanding 1% of what the other was saying, but acting like we knew everything, laughing, and getting drunk.
Back to the New Year's money.....my daughter was getting these little envelopes from all the adults that came. and my wife was handing them out as well to the younger cousins that had come over. That night after everything was cleaned up and we were getting ready for bed, we opened the envelopes and there had to be close to $1,000.00 total in all the envelopes.
Depending upon the family, this money is for the child, and many parents put this money away for the kids to use in their future, or some let the kids keep it and spend it, and others give it to their mothers who use it for living expenses. But that much cash, I was surprised. My wife told me that because we didnt have a wedding in Okinawa this was everyone's way of giving us a wedding gift. Here in Japan at weddings, funerals, first day of school, births, or any kind of special occasion people give gifts of money. Quite a different tradition, and not one that even to this day that I particularly like because the amount now-a-days is pretty much predetermined my "everyone" just knowing how much to give. Kind of hard to explain, but everyone knows it, but there is really nothing written down about it. Another thing in the learning process.
Anyway, back to the drinking. I started getting my first introduction into my wife's family too. See both my mother and father-in-law were married previously, both of their spouses died, but both had one child by their previous marriage, my father-in-law had a daughter and my mother-in-law had a son. But together they had two children, my wife and her older brother. The story how they got together and how they stayed together is a book and story all of it's own.
Well my sister-in-law's husband was still drinking with me and eating and having a good time, that I started feeling comfortable, thanks to the alcohol, and everyone seemed happy. All in all a great start to the New Year!
She got all dressed up and then to my surprise Grandpa handed her a small decorative envelope, inside the envelope was a few thousand yen, about $20.00 at the time. I was surprised, not knowing that it is traditional for adults to give new year's money to children in the family. She was so happy and running around the house with Grandpa in tow. Enjoying her new surroundings and adapting well.
My wife and I were helping prepare the ton of food that we had bought a few days before for all the guests that were coming over that day.
I have to add here that at this time I knew ZERO Japanese, and everything around me was in Japanese, the TV, Grandma, Grandpa, my wife, EVERYTHING. I felt so lost, and my wife, much to my chagrin at the time, wasn't telling 1/10th of what was being said. (Looking back at it, it probably saved all our sanity, particularly mine, that she only translated what she thought was necessary) So I am there in ignorant bliss, in this new house and environment and not knowing a single thing that was being said.
We prepared the food, and in the early afternoon, my wife's relatives started showing up at the house. In all there were about 20 people in the house, and after a while people starting moving all the furniture in the small living room into a "U" shape and then two chairs were place at the top of the "U" and my wife and I were told to sit down. Then it started.
Everyone was talking at once, at to the untrained and unknowing ear it sounded like EVERYONE was pissed off, like seriously angry, and I was getting worried. I kept bugging my wife to tell me what was being said but she brushed me off and only told me that everyone was asking "why", "where" "who" " how come" and "why" and "why" and "What are you going to do NOW?"
I was getting more worried and it seemed to me that the level of the "discussion" had turned up a few notches into a full blown argument with the anger directed towards me.
What my wife told me later is that everyone wanted to know the details of how we got married and why we didnt have a wedding here in Okinawa before going to the states, and why didnt my wife introduce me to them before going, and why did she lie to them about the reasons she went. Her father was particularly angry because being his "only" daughter with this wife he had dreams of her getting married in a more traditional manner with a more traditional person, meaning an Okinawan and not a foreigner.
He felt that I "stole" his daughter and "stole" his pride or desire to show her off in a more traditional manner when getting married here.
The conversation went on, and eventually after what seemed like hours, but it was actually much shorter than that, the conversation turned to "Ok it's done" What are you going to do from now on?" It was decided that for the time being we would live together with Grandpa and Grandma and everyone would assist with helping us get settled in and finding me a job.
The food came out, and then so did the alcohol. Everything here, from the day one is born until the day you die, as I found out later, revolves around drinking. Drinking beer, awamori, (a distilled rice whiskey brewed locally) brandy, what-ever. Everyone was drinking, or so it seemed. It was only the guys that were drinking and it was all the women that were waiting on them hand and foot.
I couldnt believe some of what I was seeing. My wife has an older brother who lived in the house, and my wife, even though she was married to me, still waited on him hand and foot it seemed. I thought he was one lazy dude. Three feet away from him was a newspaper, my wife was in the kitchen preparing some food to bring next door where everyone was at, and he called to her. She came into the living room and all he asked her was, "Hey bring me that newspaper over there." It was three feet away! He thought nothing of it and what surprised me was neither did my wife.
If I had done that to any of my 4 sisters or mother, heaven forbid, I would not be alive today! Cripes, what am I getting myself into I thought. The range of emotions and feelings I was having at the time was overwhelming to say the least.
Well I started drinking too, and my wife's half-sister's husband started trying to speak English to me, of course by this time he was drunk, my father-in-law had retired to his room to watch TV and play with my daughter, and I was left alone with this guy, her brother, and some other cousins and her half-sister's younger children. It was an unforgettable night. Neither of us understanding 1% of what the other was saying, but acting like we knew everything, laughing, and getting drunk.
Back to the New Year's money.....my daughter was getting these little envelopes from all the adults that came. and my wife was handing them out as well to the younger cousins that had come over. That night after everything was cleaned up and we were getting ready for bed, we opened the envelopes and there had to be close to $1,000.00 total in all the envelopes.
Depending upon the family, this money is for the child, and many parents put this money away for the kids to use in their future, or some let the kids keep it and spend it, and others give it to their mothers who use it for living expenses. But that much cash, I was surprised. My wife told me that because we didnt have a wedding in Okinawa this was everyone's way of giving us a wedding gift. Here in Japan at weddings, funerals, first day of school, births, or any kind of special occasion people give gifts of money. Quite a different tradition, and not one that even to this day that I particularly like because the amount now-a-days is pretty much predetermined my "everyone" just knowing how much to give. Kind of hard to explain, but everyone knows it, but there is really nothing written down about it. Another thing in the learning process.
Anyway, back to the drinking. I started getting my first introduction into my wife's family too. See both my mother and father-in-law were married previously, both of their spouses died, but both had one child by their previous marriage, my father-in-law had a daughter and my mother-in-law had a son. But together they had two children, my wife and her older brother. The story how they got together and how they stayed together is a book and story all of it's own.
Well my sister-in-law's husband was still drinking with me and eating and having a good time, that I started feeling comfortable, thanks to the alcohol, and everyone seemed happy. All in all a great start to the New Year!
7. Fear of the Unknown
So, we fly to Japan, leaving the day after Christmas, flying from O'Hare. My daughter, my wife, and I, not knowing what I was getting myself into really, but just knowing that it was probably better for my wife being around her family and relatives and in her "home".
We get to Okinawa on December 27th, right before the new year, and my wife's friend Mutsuko, the woman that introduced us to each other, came to Naha airport with her finance, an American like me, to pick the three of us up.
We drove to my wife's house, and you would not believe how nervous, anxious, and a bit scared too, ok a lot scared, that I was. I walked in the front door and standing there were my father-in-law and mother-in-law, the looks on their faces made me feel like "Oh boy am I going to get out of here alive!?!?!"
You have to remember that they never met me before getting married, plus my wife was their only daughter together, and on top of that my father-in-law was a former Japanese police officer as well. The looks he gave me felt literally like daggers going through my heart...but as he was looking at me, he glanced down, and grasping me around my lower leg was my daughter, she was about a year and a half old, and she looked up at Grandpa with her impish grin, and he melted. He reached out with both of his arms for her, calling to her, she hesitantly walked over to him, he picked her up, took off her shoes, forgot all about me, and took my daughter into the house.
The sighs could be heard from everyone. I knew, I don't know why, but I just knew, that things were going to be alright. My mother-in-law is just blabbering on in Japanese to my wife, and looking at me saying only Lord knows what, but to my ears, the tone was not very welcoming. I went into the house, carrying our luggage, and my wife takes me to our room, and I ended up hiding up there afraid to come down for what seemed like forever.
Since we arrived just before the new year, there was a ton of work that had to be done in and around the house. Typically speaking Japanese do their "spring cleaning" at the end of the year, to welcome in the new year with a clean house, which includes cleaning all the windows in the house, inside and out, top floor too. My wife, translating for my father-in-law, tells me what I have to do, and from early morning until late in the afternoon all we did was clean, clean, and clean some more, for 2 days straight.
It literally took one day alone just to clean up the kitchen, exhaust fan, ceiling lights, cabinets, inside and out, I mean everywhere you looked, we cleaned. I never knew cleaning could be so tiring!
Then on the last day of the year, we went shopping. Shopping for new year's was major, we had to buy all sorts of food and drinks for preparing for all the relatives that were going to come over to the house. My wife's father was the oldest surviving son in his family so he had the responsibility of maintaining the family altar. (That is another story all of it's own too!) So all the relatives came over to pay their respects, light an incense and see the "new" gaijin, (foreigner) in the house. ME!
Next: New Years Day!
We get to Okinawa on December 27th, right before the new year, and my wife's friend Mutsuko, the woman that introduced us to each other, came to Naha airport with her finance, an American like me, to pick the three of us up.
We drove to my wife's house, and you would not believe how nervous, anxious, and a bit scared too, ok a lot scared, that I was. I walked in the front door and standing there were my father-in-law and mother-in-law, the looks on their faces made me feel like "Oh boy am I going to get out of here alive!?!?!"
You have to remember that they never met me before getting married, plus my wife was their only daughter together, and on top of that my father-in-law was a former Japanese police officer as well. The looks he gave me felt literally like daggers going through my heart...but as he was looking at me, he glanced down, and grasping me around my lower leg was my daughter, she was about a year and a half old, and she looked up at Grandpa with her impish grin, and he melted. He reached out with both of his arms for her, calling to her, she hesitantly walked over to him, he picked her up, took off her shoes, forgot all about me, and took my daughter into the house.
The sighs could be heard from everyone. I knew, I don't know why, but I just knew, that things were going to be alright. My mother-in-law is just blabbering on in Japanese to my wife, and looking at me saying only Lord knows what, but to my ears, the tone was not very welcoming. I went into the house, carrying our luggage, and my wife takes me to our room, and I ended up hiding up there afraid to come down for what seemed like forever.
Since we arrived just before the new year, there was a ton of work that had to be done in and around the house. Typically speaking Japanese do their "spring cleaning" at the end of the year, to welcome in the new year with a clean house, which includes cleaning all the windows in the house, inside and out, top floor too. My wife, translating for my father-in-law, tells me what I have to do, and from early morning until late in the afternoon all we did was clean, clean, and clean some more, for 2 days straight.
It literally took one day alone just to clean up the kitchen, exhaust fan, ceiling lights, cabinets, inside and out, I mean everywhere you looked, we cleaned. I never knew cleaning could be so tiring!
Then on the last day of the year, we went shopping. Shopping for new year's was major, we had to buy all sorts of food and drinks for preparing for all the relatives that were going to come over to the house. My wife's father was the oldest surviving son in his family so he had the responsibility of maintaining the family altar. (That is another story all of it's own too!) So all the relatives came over to pay their respects, light an incense and see the "new" gaijin, (foreigner) in the house. ME!
Next: New Years Day!
Monday, April 8, 2013
6. LA to Chicago to North Carolina
So we head out of LA, fly to Chicago, stay one night there to get over jet lag, get to Wisconsin, and life changes! But this blog isn't about us in the US. It's about me and life in Okinawa. The little detour here means quite a bit so be patient and I will get back to Okinawa eventually. Well after a page or two!
Anyway, we got married on Friday 13th of June 1986 in front of a judge at the court house. I wanted a church wedding, but the priest at the church I grew up at told us that unless we went through the necessary marriage classes prior to getting married there was no way that I could get married in the church because my wife wasn't Catholic. (Until that time in my life I like to think that I was a Catholic, not always the best person, but with good intentions. This event here made me feel like the Church was rejecting my wife as a person, and me as well for picking her. I've never been truly back.)
I was limited in time because I had to go on to my next duty station in the Marine Corp, I was being sent to Cherry Point, NC which is in the tiny town of Havelock (HaveNOT) NC. I went ahead and my wife stayed with my sister and came out to NC about a month later.
We lived in a small, but comfortable, 2 bedroom apartment, the time went quickly, and before we knew it, a little over 1 year and two weeks after getting married our daughter was born! A few months after that, I had attempted to request orders back to Okinawa, but the Marine Corps told me I had to stay on station where I was for at least 4 more years before I could go back, so, I got out.
This is the shortened version, but besides me getting chicken pox, right before our daughter was born, and some correspondence between my wife's father, and cousin and us. Things in Havelock were pretty uneventful.
But that correspondence was a big one! You see my wife never told her parents she was going to the states to get married. She told her Mom and Dad that she was going to Hawaii to visit her former English teacher from college. But then she never went home! Eventually she sent a letter telling her Mom and Dad that she got married and that she had given birth to their granddaughter, the responses were interesting to say the least. My wife's Dad can not speak English so he got a relative to write a letter to me explaining his situation and his disappointment with me for not meeting him before getting married.
But I never had a chance! We moved back to Okinawa after Christmas 1988. Then the "fun" began!
Anyway, we got married on Friday 13th of June 1986 in front of a judge at the court house. I wanted a church wedding, but the priest at the church I grew up at told us that unless we went through the necessary marriage classes prior to getting married there was no way that I could get married in the church because my wife wasn't Catholic. (Until that time in my life I like to think that I was a Catholic, not always the best person, but with good intentions. This event here made me feel like the Church was rejecting my wife as a person, and me as well for picking her. I've never been truly back.)
I was limited in time because I had to go on to my next duty station in the Marine Corp, I was being sent to Cherry Point, NC which is in the tiny town of Havelock (HaveNOT) NC. I went ahead and my wife stayed with my sister and came out to NC about a month later.
We lived in a small, but comfortable, 2 bedroom apartment, the time went quickly, and before we knew it, a little over 1 year and two weeks after getting married our daughter was born! A few months after that, I had attempted to request orders back to Okinawa, but the Marine Corps told me I had to stay on station where I was for at least 4 more years before I could go back, so, I got out.
This is the shortened version, but besides me getting chicken pox, right before our daughter was born, and some correspondence between my wife's father, and cousin and us. Things in Havelock were pretty uneventful.
But that correspondence was a big one! You see my wife never told her parents she was going to the states to get married. She told her Mom and Dad that she was going to Hawaii to visit her former English teacher from college. But then she never went home! Eventually she sent a letter telling her Mom and Dad that she got married and that she had given birth to their granddaughter, the responses were interesting to say the least. My wife's Dad can not speak English so he got a relative to write a letter to me explaining his situation and his disappointment with me for not meeting him before getting married.
But I never had a chance! We moved back to Okinawa after Christmas 1988. Then the "fun" began!
5. Nothing Came Easy at First
Nothing ever came easy for us at first I would say, even the flight to L.A. was an adventure for the two if us. I had to fly via military charter, and my wife went commercial, so we agreed to meet up at the International Terminal at LAX. Right, not so smoothly. (I wonder looking back if that was an omen of things to come!)
My flight which was scheduled to leave before her's was delayed so she got to fly first. Thanks to someone somewhere, she was upgraded to first class on the international portion of her flight and flew to LA in style. No me, I was in the cattle car, but I got to LA eventually and started to look for her in the airport.
Long story short, my wife had left the airport and checked into a hotel because my flight was seriously delayed and she had no idea when I was going to get there and she was dead tired. So now I had to find out "which" hotel she was staying at.
A friend of mine and myself went through LAX and saw all sorts of advertising and sign-boards for hotels down this one long hall in the airport. We started seeing one's written in Japanese and then I started calling these hotels to see if she had checked in somewhere, and luckily after the 3rd or 4th hotel I found her. I took the shuttle bus to the hotel and checked in. We made it!
I have to back track here a bit, typically before people get married it is traditional to meet the parents of the bride and groom right? Wrong! I tried very hard to get my wife to introduce me to her parents before we went to the states but she adamantly refused. I found out the reasoning for it much, much later, when we were in the states. I did get the chance though to go to her house. I was having a pot luck somewhere, I forget, and wanted to make tacos. So she took me to her house, her parents were not home at the time, and I made the tacos and she showed me around her house. It seemed nice, and looked like she had a nice family. I was half hoping that her parents would show up while I was there but that was not to be.
I had bought a jar of jalapeno peppers to use with the tacos, and I left it in the refrigerator, little did I know then that the same bottle would still be sitting in the refrigerator nearly two years later!
My flight which was scheduled to leave before her's was delayed so she got to fly first. Thanks to someone somewhere, she was upgraded to first class on the international portion of her flight and flew to LA in style. No me, I was in the cattle car, but I got to LA eventually and started to look for her in the airport.
Long story short, my wife had left the airport and checked into a hotel because my flight was seriously delayed and she had no idea when I was going to get there and she was dead tired. So now I had to find out "which" hotel she was staying at.
A friend of mine and myself went through LAX and saw all sorts of advertising and sign-boards for hotels down this one long hall in the airport. We started seeing one's written in Japanese and then I started calling these hotels to see if she had checked in somewhere, and luckily after the 3rd or 4th hotel I found her. I took the shuttle bus to the hotel and checked in. We made it!
I have to back track here a bit, typically before people get married it is traditional to meet the parents of the bride and groom right? Wrong! I tried very hard to get my wife to introduce me to her parents before we went to the states but she adamantly refused. I found out the reasoning for it much, much later, when we were in the states. I did get the chance though to go to her house. I was having a pot luck somewhere, I forget, and wanted to make tacos. So she took me to her house, her parents were not home at the time, and I made the tacos and she showed me around her house. It seemed nice, and looked like she had a nice family. I was half hoping that her parents would show up while I was there but that was not to be.
I had bought a jar of jalapeno peppers to use with the tacos, and I left it in the refrigerator, little did I know then that the same bottle would still be sitting in the refrigerator nearly two years later!
4. My Marine Corp History & 1st Encounters!
So, there is a lot to catch up on, seeing as how I just started this blog with over 25 years of experiences to share.
I don't have a lot of memories of my time in the military here, military related that is, other than having reconstructive surgery at the military hospital here in Okinawa. I had some seriously hideous GI reflux, heartburn, enough heartburn to light up a small city it felt like, and around Christmas time in 85' I had a procedure called a "nissen fundoplication"
But I do have some life changing memories that I will never forget for as long as I live.
Now before and after getting out of the hospital a buddy of mine in the Marine Corp and his Okinawan (Japanese) girlfriend and I had gone out a number of times together, sightseeing, going to clubs, out to dinner, things like that. Well while I was in the hospital she came and saw me. Her name was Mutsuko, and she gave me a couple of books and some flowers and wished me luck and at one point or another she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told her no, and that I wasn't particularly looking either, but if I met someone it would be nice. And she invited me to her birthday party. I got out of the hospital and was on medical leave for nearly all of January of 86' and her birthday was January 12th. A day that forever changed my life.
Well Mutsuko was having her birthday party at a bar across the street from Camp Foster, the base I was stationed on at the time. "Motherly's" was the name, while the building still exists today, the bar is long gone. The party was going full swing when Mutsuko introduces me to a college classmate and friend of her's. The rest as they say is history, that is still being written today!
We met on January 12th 1986, we got married in Wisconsin on June 13th (Friday), 1986. From that day on I never have felt as if Friday the 13th was an unlucky day. Nope! It's forever implanted in my mind as one of the best days of my life! Sorry can't share any pictures of the occasion as my wife and kids are reading along here and, well, my wife doesn't want to see her smiling face shining back up at her from here.
Needless to say, I was smitten, she was my age, 22 when we met, petite, about 153 cm, which is a bit over 5 ft tall and weighed, maybe, 45kg, which is just under 100lbs. Next to her I was a giant, I stand a shade under 6'4" or roughly 193cm tall and at the time weighed about 95kg or about 210 lbs. (I had lost some weight because of my stomach surgery)
She was the cutest woman I had ever seen, and she spoke lightly accented English, while not perfect, but light years beyond my limited vocabulary of Japanese that consisted of literally a handful of words and catch phrases. She had graduated from a local junior college that specialized in teaching English, and her English was good, very good. I was in love, good looking, funny, smart, and spoke English too!
I don't have a lot of memories of my time in the military here, military related that is, other than having reconstructive surgery at the military hospital here in Okinawa. I had some seriously hideous GI reflux, heartburn, enough heartburn to light up a small city it felt like, and around Christmas time in 85' I had a procedure called a "nissen fundoplication"
Now before and after getting out of the hospital a buddy of mine in the Marine Corp and his Okinawan (Japanese) girlfriend and I had gone out a number of times together, sightseeing, going to clubs, out to dinner, things like that. Well while I was in the hospital she came and saw me. Her name was Mutsuko, and she gave me a couple of books and some flowers and wished me luck and at one point or another she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told her no, and that I wasn't particularly looking either, but if I met someone it would be nice. And she invited me to her birthday party. I got out of the hospital and was on medical leave for nearly all of January of 86' and her birthday was January 12th. A day that forever changed my life.
Well Mutsuko was having her birthday party at a bar across the street from Camp Foster, the base I was stationed on at the time. "Motherly's" was the name, while the building still exists today, the bar is long gone. The party was going full swing when Mutsuko introduces me to a college classmate and friend of her's. The rest as they say is history, that is still being written today!
We met on January 12th 1986, we got married in Wisconsin on June 13th (Friday), 1986. From that day on I never have felt as if Friday the 13th was an unlucky day. Nope! It's forever implanted in my mind as one of the best days of my life! Sorry can't share any pictures of the occasion as my wife and kids are reading along here and, well, my wife doesn't want to see her smiling face shining back up at her from here.
Needless to say, I was smitten, she was my age, 22 when we met, petite, about 153 cm, which is a bit over 5 ft tall and weighed, maybe, 45kg, which is just under 100lbs. Next to her I was a giant, I stand a shade under 6'4" or roughly 193cm tall and at the time weighed about 95kg or about 210 lbs. (I had lost some weight because of my stomach surgery)
She was the cutest woman I had ever seen, and she spoke lightly accented English, while not perfect, but light years beyond my limited vocabulary of Japanese that consisted of literally a handful of words and catch phrases. She had graduated from a local junior college that specialized in teaching English, and her English was good, very good. I was in love, good looking, funny, smart, and spoke English too!
The days flew by, we dated on weekends, and within 3 months I asked her to marry me, she said yes! I didn't come here looking for a girlfriend, let alone a wife, but you never know who you'll meet or where!
3. How I First Came Here To Okinawa
This started in the middle for me because with my father-in-law's passing away, sounds like a cliche I bet, but it was both an ending and a beginning for me in my life here in Okinawa.
I first came here to Okinawa back in the mid-1980's, I was a Marine, stationed on Camp Foster. My first thoughts as I got off the chartered airplane, a flight which I really don't remember other than it was long, and that we had to spend a night in Anchorage, Alaska because the radar in the nose of the airplane was broken for some reason or another.
Anyway, back to Kadena, which is the name of a US Air Force base, and where many military folks and their families fly into when coming to Okinawa. I got here at around the end of May and it was the start of rainy season here in Okinawa. I recall vividly that my first impression of Okinawa was it was green, muggy, hot, and smelled like something was dying. Which isn't too far off the mark considering that the island is semi-tropical and the "dead" smell that I noticed was all the dead and decaying foliage on the island.
An overview shot of the northern end of the island and the "green" of Okinawa. I've always thought that if someone didn't like the color green Okinawa was not the place for them to live.
So I guess you can see what I mean about foliage and the decaying smell. Well that was my first impression. The very first night I got onto the island my first thought after getting settled into the temporary room that I was assigned to was, get off the base, go see something out in that foreign land you just got to.
I walked out the gate, went across the main road and walked into a bar run by and frequented by American's. The irony was not lost on me. Heck it was my first night here so give me a break!
I first came here to Okinawa back in the mid-1980's, I was a Marine, stationed on Camp Foster. My first thoughts as I got off the chartered airplane, a flight which I really don't remember other than it was long, and that we had to spend a night in Anchorage, Alaska because the radar in the nose of the airplane was broken for some reason or another.
Anyway, back to Kadena, which is the name of a US Air Force base, and where many military folks and their families fly into when coming to Okinawa. I got here at around the end of May and it was the start of rainy season here in Okinawa. I recall vividly that my first impression of Okinawa was it was green, muggy, hot, and smelled like something was dying. Which isn't too far off the mark considering that the island is semi-tropical and the "dead" smell that I noticed was all the dead and decaying foliage on the island.
An overview shot of the northern end of the island and the "green" of Okinawa. I've always thought that if someone didn't like the color green Okinawa was not the place for them to live.
I walked out the gate, went across the main road and walked into a bar run by and frequented by American's. The irony was not lost on me. Heck it was my first night here so give me a break!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
2. Welcome to My History
Welcome to my blog!
I started this blog to share with everyone about my life and experiences of living as an "Uchina-muku" (Okinawan Husband) and foreigner (American) living, working, and surviving, in Okinawa, Japan!
The "other" reason I started this blog is to get my youngest son to start his blog about his interests. (Lead by example....I start, he will follow!)
I am looking forward to sharing about my life and adventures of living in Okinawa, Japan.
The "other" reason I started this blog is to get my youngest son to start his blog about his interests. (Lead by example....I start, he will follow!)
I am looking forward to sharing about my life and adventures of living in Okinawa, Japan.
1. An End and A Beginning
A Father-in-Law's Passing
I first met my father-in-law in December of
1988. It was right before the New Year’s
break that Japanese people traditionally take at the end of every year. I had just gotten out of the Marine Corps and
my wife and I decided that we should return to Okinawa
and make a new life for both my wife, and our one year old daughter.
I had never had the opportunity to meet my
father-in-law or mother-in-law prior to getting married. In fact I never had the opportunity to meet
anyone from my wife’s family up until that point. You see my wife had told her parents and
family that she was going to go to the states to visit her former English
teacher she had met while she was in college.
I left that decision, on whether or not to meet her family, up to her.
Anyway, the moment I walked into her father’s
house after we had returned to Okinawa from my
home in Wisconsin (USA), I could feel the tension in the air. I felt like the looks my father-in-law gave
me were lightening bolts coming down from the sky and were piercing me from the
top of my head to my feet. After a
moment that seemed like years to me, my daughter, who had been clinging onto my
pants behind me, stuck her head out and looked up at her grandfather and
smiled. His gaze changed
from disappointment to one of happiness and joy as he reached out his
hands to my daughter and welcomed her into his arms. I felt a huge sigh
of relief as he gave her a big hug and kiss on her cheek. At that very moment I felt like things were
going to be all right, eventually.
That was 22 years ago. My father-in-law, Masahiro, died on Thursday
afternoon, February 25th,
2010 .
After moving to Okinawa
with my wife and daughter we initially lived in his house for about six
months. Things were not easy as I look
back upon it, for all parties involved.
I could speak next to no Japanese and he and his wife, my mother-in-law,
could speak no English beyond being able to say “sank you”.
In fact my first New Year’s at his house he
invited all of my wife’s closest relatives and had them all sit in a
semi-circle in the living room of his house. My wife and I had to sit on
chairs facing all of them and had to listen to their questions and
comments about us and what we were going to do with our future. I couldn’t understand a single thing of what
they were talking about and my wife, looking back at it, thankfully, only
translated less than 1% of what they were actually talking about. They were speaking a mixture of both Japanese
and the traditional Okinawan language called Uchinaguchi or hogen (dialect) as it is
called. It sounded to my ears like they
were arguing with each other and made me feel like they were going to gang up
on me and beat me to a pulp.
Fortunately, that didn’t happen.
After all that happened, in what seemed like
hours, even days, but was actually only about 45 minutes, the family
meeting broke up and my father-in-law took my daughter into another room to
play, and I was left alone with my brother-in-law and other relatives. They broke out a bottle of whiskey and some
beer and it seemed like even though there was a communication
barrier, everything would be ok, the power of alcohol and the New Year’s
holiday in Okinawa .
After the festivities of the New Year’s ended
I settled into the life of trying to adapt to living in a totally new,
different, and in many ways, exciting culture.
I walked around my new neighborhood with an English and Japanese
dictionary, trying to learn and understand what was going on around me. I asked my wife so many questions about who,
what, where, when and especially WHY things were the way they were. Looking back on it, I think she got tired of
me asking so many questions and was thankful that she was able to find a new
job within a couple of weeks of returning to her hometown.
Her father left for work every morning around
7:00 AM , which left
me to fend for myself and take care of our daughter. He was the
koucho sensei or principal at
a local driving school. He used to
be a police officer and like many before him after leaving the police force,
went to work as a driving school instructor or administrator.
However, there was a cloud of mystery about
him and why he left the police force. I never learned why he quit
being an officer until after his death last week. One of his fellow officers was found to have
been accepting bribes from local business people and because he was associated
with him, he had to quit as well.
He never did anything wrong, but because of the way Japanese tradition
and culture is, he had to accept responsibility for another person’s errors and
was forced to resign.
He was a proud man and was always thinking
about those around himself, particularly caring about how people outside of his
family viewed him. This was sometimes to the detriment of his own
family. He took responsibility for
another person’s mistakes, even though he never did anything wrong. He was always thought of highly by his fellow
officers and left the force with his reputation intact.
He was a man that placed more importance on
how others viewed him than how his own family felt. He was in his own way arrogant, but not
arrogant in a manner in which many westerner’s view arrogance. He commanded respect from all those around
him for the way he kept himself, took care of those around him, and never once
as far as I know, was ever viewed as being anything more than an honest and
honorable man.
He grew up without ever knowing his
father. During WWII he was forced into
service in the Japanese military and sent to Manchuria
to fight for the Imperial Army of Japan.
He ended up being held as a prisoner of war, held by the former Soviet Union , and he nearly died of malaria while being
held in captivity as well. He once told my
daughter on the occasion of the 60th anniversary of the Battle of Okinawa that
he always feared he would never get the chance to return back home.
Over the past few days I have learned much
about his past. Regrettably to me at
least, it seems that people, particularly close friends and relatives, were
willing to share stories of their memories of my father-in-law, after his death
and not while he was alive. I have
gained a new and added respect for the man because of the stories
they shared. I cannot even begin to write about all of them, as they would
be a story all of their own.
When he was a young man, after returning from
Manchuria , his dream was to be a
schoolteacher, but due to the events of the time, he had to work to help take
care of his mother and older sister. Unfortunately he was never able to fulfill
his dream of finishing high school and college, but always kept the dream alive
and often pushed those dreams upon my children, his grandchildren.
He was a typical Okinawan in many ways as
well -- practicing the way of being able to tell others how they should do
things but never having done them himself.
"Do as I say!" not 'as I do' way-of-thinking. I don't think he ever once felt he was out of
place for saying what he did and trusted in his own knowledge, intelligence and
experience to guide him.
Well, as time went on and I got accustomed to
living in Okinawa , there were a number of
occasions where both my father-in-law and I didn’t see eye-to-eye with regards
to how I should do things here. He took
it as a personal insult that I had the nerve to disagree with any advice or
suggestion he had to give me. He called
me "stubborn" and he often made comments that I should just up and
leave Okinawa , of course leaving my wife and
daughter behind.
We ended up moving out of his house after
about six months, but not for this reason alone. There were other
issues that factored into the decision, like my mother-in-law wanting to throw
out a pair of shoes I owned purely because they were “too big” to her and they
took up too much space in the shoe rack at the front door. When I “complained" I was missing a pair
of shoes, she took offense because she thought what she was doing was
right and that I had no place to question her or her actions. She blew the situation out of proportion
and telephoned all the relatives and neighbors complaining in shock about
the gaijin that her daughter brought into
the house.
I admit, I might have been a
tad stubborn at times and openly expressed my disagreement, but
I didn’t feel communicating my opinion was wrong. But in Japan
We moved out of the in-law's house and found
a condominium about 50 minutes away.
They often came over to see their granddaughter and, of course, to
complain about me. Beside the
complaints, things were starting to settle down into a relatively quiet pattern
of living and being out of my in-law's house helped relieve some tension. I came to find out that in my wife’s family,
it is typical to settle differences by simply ignoring the incident ever
occurred.
Nearly two years later, after the
Japanese economic “bubble” burst, I was laid off from my job and at the
same time my father-in-law became ill with a stomach disorder. He was in the hospital for roughly a month
and when he was released he needed help in his recovery. You see, his wife really didn’t do much for him,
other than tell him what to do all the time.
That is a different story though.
We moved back into the house and helped take
care of oyaji I usually called him oyaji because for as long as I have been living
here I only once called him ottosan
or dad. He got angry with me and once
told me that he never wanted me calling him dad because he wasn’t my biological
father and that I should call him oyaji which
while literally meaning the same thing is also used in slang to refer to an
older man and was a name that he was accustomed to everyone in the family using
when talking to him.
Moving
back home was convenient at the time for both of us as I was out of work for
about 3-4 months collecting unemployment and looking for another job. With my father-in-law's help, I was
introduced to someone who helped me get a job working at a local
family-run hospital. I became a driver
for an elderly day care service and eventually, after roughly eight years
or so, moved up to a position of being the facilities manager for three
hospitals. Along the way, I did a lot of
studying. But this isn’t about me, it’s
about my father-in-law.
It was at this time in my life that the relationship
between my father-in-law and I changed. He refused to believe I was
let go from my previous job because of the economic conditions and felt it was
somehow my own fault I wasn’t able to retain the job, so he took
it upon himself to ensure I "understood" how to succeed in a
Japanese/Okinawan company.
Nearly every single day after I came home
from my new job, he had me sit down at the kitchen table and describe in detail
what I had done that day and how I was getting along with my co-workers. He constantly harped on my language abilities
and nearly every day told me that if I didn’t learn more Japanese that there
was going to be no way for me to succeed.
This went on for roughly six months, him
sitting at the table drinking awamori, a local Okinawan sake, getting
drunk, doling out advice, and commenting how my wife and I should be
raising our children. I cannot count how
many times I got angry with him for coming across as a hypocrite because by
this time I had learned enough of his past with his own son and daughter that I
knew the things he was saying were in response to his own perceived “failures”
with his own children. Neither of his
kids became schoolteachers or government employees, which he saw as being the
only jobs deserving respect.
Things got contentious between us on a number
of occasions and typically we both went to bed dissatisfied in how we viewed
each other. He, feeling that I had no
right to question his thoughts or opinions, and I, feeling that he was just
talking like an arrogant drunk because the only time he ever talked like this
was when he had been drinking. Otherwise
things were civil between us, almost friendly.
Being a typical Okinawan father, he expected everyone to take what
he had to say without question. And me,
being a typical American, always questioning what he thought was
"law".
Eventually things calmed down and a grudging
respect was earned from both of us. I
learned to take much of what he said with a grain of salt, well at least
letting it go in one ear and circle around in my brain a time or two before
letting it go out the other. He started
asking for my assistance around the house more, as he was getting older by then
and didn’t have the energy to do all the things he was used to doing on his
own.
He was well-respected in our local community,
President of the local Senior Citizen's Association.
He taught people how to play the sanshin, a three string guitar, which is famous here
in Okinawa .
He had a teacher’s license for this musical instrument and took
great pride in the fact that he was finally able to teach. He was always concerned with how people
viewed him from outside-the-family, and with my being his son-in-law, me as
well. However he always took family
for granted and I cannot recall ever seeing him care about what I or anyone
else in the family thought about him.
Life went on, and again I was let go from my
job because of, once again, an economic crisis that hit Japan
Again, I found a new job and after studying
to get certified, I started working as an English teacher at a local high
school. My father-in-law was happy I had became a teacher and he
found new things to comment on: my clothes, haircut (too short for
his liking), beard, etc. He became more concerned about the
impression I was giving to the students at the high school.
Also around this time our children were
growing up. We had two more children
while we were living with them and they, grandma, and especially grandpa, were
a blessing in helping take care of them.
Neither of my sons had to go to daycare because their grandparents watched
over them. It was a marriage of
convenience -- we took over more and more of the daily things around the house
and they helped us by raising our kids.
And I would say that between us we were
growing to accept and respect each other as well. We entered a different stage in our
relationship, but not one that was ever
discussed.
My father-in-law was becoming ill
more often. The common cold and flu
started becoming a serious concern, but that was overshadowed by his glaucoma
and two eye surgeries. I cannot recall how many times I took
him to the different doctors and specialists, even though it meant taking 3-4
hours out of my day to assist him. But looking back on it, it was well
worth the time. However, I will never understand why he would make
the appointments at the times he did, knowing full well someone had to assist
him because he couldn’t drive.
Roughly five years ago he was
diagnosed as having lung cancer and had to have two-thirds of his left lung
removed. He was in-and-out of the
hospital for nearly ten months. He never fully recovered.
During the days that followed his death, and
while he was laid out for his wake in a simple pine casket in our living room, I
have heard stories from close family members about the type of man he was. I never knew that man. I wish I was told those stories before his
death. I wish I had gotten to know that man and seen him as others knew him.
While death might be viewed as bleak or sad,
it does open the door for reflection and soul-searching contemplation. Since my father-in-law's passing, I have
started thinking about how I felt and our relationship over the years -- our
arguments, disagreements, anger, frustration, good times and the bad. Reflection.
It took my father-in-law passing on for me to
finally come to the realization that from out of everything that had happened
between us, he did what he had done, and said what he had said, out of concern
not for himself or how people viewed him or me, but because he wanted, without
ever putting into words, for me to be the best I could be.
I cannot
express in words my feelings about his death, without first explaining a bit
about my own father.
I grew
up feeling that as a male son I was never allowed to show any emotions of
disappointment or sorrow. A “man” wasn’t
allowed to cry, and I always felt if I ever cried about anything I was twice
punished for any misdeeds. And I
committed plenty and was deserving of the punishments that I received.
My
father died when I was 24 years old. I
don’t think that I ever had the best of relationships with him and grew up
feeling like I was always at odds with what he had wanted for me and that I
never lived up to the expectations he had for me. To this day I probably still hold regrets in
my heart for not becoming the “man” he wanted me to be.
Don’t
get me wrong here, my father always loved me, but I think over time it was me
that didn’t live up to his expectations.
Much like my own father and the generation
and way he was raised, here in Japan
Probably more so for my father-in-law, and for
Japanese and Okinawan men of his generation, emotions were not talked about,
nor were feelings a part of daily life.
People did what they did out of a sense of duty, real or perceived. I find myself reflecting on the fact that
while neither of them showed any outward signs of love or affection and while
they were from different cultures they were both similar in many ways.
My father-in-law is laying peacefully on a
futon downstairs in the tatami room. I wish he could
hear my thoughts right now. I wish we could sit around drinking Okinawan
sake and I could tell him I have finally come to the realization of my
feelings about him. I wish he could hear me tell him that I love
him. What had started off as a relationship of hard feelings,
frustration and anger, slowly turned to that of love because of my
concern for his well-being, health and happiness. I had finally learned to love the man, not
only as my father-in-law, but as my father.
Masahiro was a good man, in both life and
death. I hope someday someone will say the same thing about me.
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